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Chasing Bristol Palin
Wednesday, July 14th, 2010
Because so many of you (approximately 30,000) are coming here looking for information and pictures about Bristol Palin I thought I could help you out.
Take this survey to find out “How long could you take a warm nap between Bristol Palin’s smooshy boobies?”
These are my results:
27 minutes!
For those of you who are looking for Bristol in a bikini.
Making A Comedy Album
Tuesday, July 6th, 2010
I have kind of fallen off the grid on this blog, but with good reason. I am making a comedy album!
Rose and I are using Kickstarter.com to raise money to turn the best of this blog, plus unpublished, content into a audio hilarity, limited edition t-shirts and posters.
Come join us at KickStarter:
The Television Made Me Do It
Tuesday, April 27th, 2010
The KFC Double Down has triggered my inner competitive nature. I present The Quadstrocity.
If you want to see it in full detail you can watch the Unaltered Quadstrocity it’s 17 Min.
After completing this task I had to drink a half gallon of water and many more beers before my body returned to “normal” functioning.
Filling In For Google
Tuesday, April 6th, 2010
credit: v i p e z
I found this ridiculous image of Google Suggests and thought I should help out.
- Do men have periods? Yes, of steroidal rage.
- Does sperm whiten teeth? I don’t know. I need to do further testing.
- Does Jesus have a tattoo? Yes, it’s a tramp-stamp.
- Does jerking off make you blind? Only if it goes in my eye.
- Do Virgins taste better? How are you cooking them?
- Are Asians good in bed? In my experience, no.
- Do albinos have white pubes? The real ones do.
- Do babies poop in the womb? I hope not.
- Do black people get lice? Only if we hang out with white people with lice.
- Do blind people blink? You’re an idiot.
- Do cougars eat snakes? Do you mean “Cougars” and “Snakes”? Then yes.
- Do fat people fart more? Sadly, yes, both in volume and frequency…please god send a paper bag.
- Do homeless people get knock knock jokes? Homeless people do often understand the concept of doors.
- Do Mexicans celebrate Valentine’s Day? Do you mean “Mexicans” and “Valentine’s Day”? Then yes.
- Do midgets have night vision? Let me ask @JoannaLord and get back to you
- Do periods attract bears? My periods of steroidal rage have never attracted bears, but yours might.
- Do old people have gray pubic hair? I really don’t know. I suspect they have hardwood floors.
- Do Hippies believe in God? Yes, and some of them believe in Jah, who loves tiny sprinkled donuts.
- Does sperm have calories? Yes, but it’s mostly protein.
- Do red heads have red pubic hair? Only if they are real red heads. But, then they also look great in a pink cardigan.
- Do aliens eat humans? That’s racist.
- Does pooping make you lose weight? Yes, every morning.
The Museum Of The Date Doesn’t Go Anywhere
Monday, March 22nd, 2010
credit: j/k_lolz
One of the great tricks that life plays on you is the rumor that there are rules. There are no absolute truths, no constants.
As surely as this life will end; I will fail you. I don’t plan on it, but I expect it. I stand on a corner and watch bicycles the way a cat watches a bird. Waiting for the right breast, the right wing. They know I am looking. They pitter. But, I am a tease I would rather think about consuming them than lurch from my pace.
There is a stop. A breathe that will never come right. One ragged breathe waits there where I met her eye to eye and we set like jelly. There is an hollow that sounds a gap in the world that requires someone to speak, and we speak about nothing. Feeling like if I let the end of that breath go that she will simply be gone; not the thing I see.
Longing is a type of fear. A quiet that my mind doesn’t hold to. Each minute I wait in the bar for the appointed time make the remnant burn in my chest. Waiting for that conversation that so often twists the wrong direction into a place of nothing, just an end. She moves in. Shoulders up, skittish about how this will work; we embrace. The breathe is gone. I wasn’t wrong. But, my breathe is gone. We start with a beer to share our fears and 20 questions that start about you and cluster around me. A rare red flower opens up. I t goes very well, but, ultimately this is our last night together.
From The Google
Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010
Yesterday Google sent me the following question “Why don’t women trust?”
The simple answer is Bristol Palin.
Well, to clarify, I can only really answer why women don’t trust me. The answer to that is Bristol Palin. Tender, thick, dangerous if under-prepared–like a pork chop–Bristol.
I have some very understanding friends. I have largely received grudging nods to my point that she is 19, so, clearly of age. I also seen suppressed giggles when I assert that clearly she puts out (see: Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston).
Recently I think I took my “say what is on your mind” frankness too far when I asserted that Bristol probably looks like the following picture under her polka-dot dress.
Except, you know, with yearling wolf pelt lining and a Raised in Alaska tattoo.
I think that laying sweet Bristol down onto the cream and sage floral print sheets of my IKEA futon mattress is one of the few things that would make even me feel a little dirty. but, it’s a fun thought and something that no girl, thus far, has been willing to role play.
And that is why women don’t trust me.
Doing It
Thursday, February 4th, 2010
How are you doing?
– My Mom
This is an interesting question and heady question. Usually it begins with a sandwich that looks like this:
photo credit: Sakurako Kitsa
After vigorous chewing the sandwich goo gets stored in a place I call the belly sac. A strong acid that lives in my belly sac helps break the goo into a number of smaller components that are utilized by mitochondria.
Mitochondria, busy little organelles, use water to form ATP. My muscles convert the ATP into movement in response to impulses from my brain as needed throughout the day.
Then after 8 to 12 hours I strip down naked, bust a grumpy and take a shower– just like an astronaut.
This Pez Dispenses Sound
Wednesday, January 27th, 2010
Chris Pez (www.houseofsound.org)
How Much Money Do You Have in Your Pockets?
$22
What is the funniest Text on your phone right now?
No one sends me funny, I just get informational.
Have you ever pretended to be someone else on the phone?
When I was young.
What happens when you hit a ninja with a car?
Unless the ninja is drunk or old I can’t see that happening. If he is drunk or old he’ll probably just yell at you in Japanese and stumble on his way impervious to his injuries.
If you could have chosen you own name what would it be?
Liam.
If you could only have one type of sandwich for the rest of your life what
would it be?
Peanut butter and banana.
Anything else I should know?
I have a radio show on Wednesdays 8-10pm and you should listen.
Chris Pez is truly a stand-up guy. This is evidenced by the fact that I once said, “Let’s go get a beer and a sandwich” and he took that to mean: “Let’s go to 9 strip clubs in 12-hours and be BFFs.” Evidently he killed many of his brain-cells that night; because eventually he asked me to be his best man. You can see more pictures from Chris’ wedding in posts about love.
You Can Take The Girl Out Of The Shower, But Why?
Monday, January 25th, 2010
Today’s Guest:
Karianne Stinson (http://twitter.com/karianne)
How Much Money Do You Have in Your Pockets?
I have 1 dollar.
What is the funniest Text on your phone right now?
Hmm, one of my favs is “Help! Crazy bitches everywhere!”
Have you ever pretended to be someone else on the phone?
“Hi! This is Cindi from Baskin-Robbins and if you can name 31 flavors in 31 seconds we’ll give you 31 dollars! Ok? Ready? Go!”
What happens when you hit a ninja with a car?
He goes to ninja heaven. But ninja goats go to hell.
If you could have chosen you own name what would it be?
Goddess-of-all! Not really though. I like my name and it’s many variations.
If you could only have one type of sandwich for the rest of your life what would it be?
I like variety too much. I don’t like to be limited.
Anything else I should know?
Carlos is the coolest! Well… at least he makes me laugh! 
Karianne is an avid karaoke singer and creator of novel concepts, like the six-month-itch. KA used to be a teacher; she may have “molded” the mind of your child. She is my preferred drinking buddy at work-type events. As you can see above she sometimes holds up my end of the deal when I am indisposed. I think you should follow Karianne on Twitter.
