credit: † mexico rosel †

Let me make this uncomfortably clear: I have strong opinions about cars.

If you drive a car you are allowed ZERO mistakes!

I’m a driver. I drive a motorcycle and I have driven a variety of cars and trucks. Let me repeat, if you are driving you are allowed ZERO mistakes. It’s not an accident, it is an incident. An incident that you are responsible for. Take your lumps and pay your fines.

Today I got involved in the comments of an LA Times article that did two things

1. It outed Las Angeles for not having the ability to prosecute a certain genre of traffic crime.
2. It gave two people a place to whine about the fact that they paid a fine for breaking the law in a way that endangered the lives of other people.

credit: Tambako the Jaguar

Why am I so unenthusiastic about gardening? – Rose

Gardening is a contentious subject around my house. I live with two ladies that have very different views of what constitutes a proper garden. One, I’ll call her the Big Lady, feels that gardening is a protracted campaign spanning multiple years. During which you cultivate a happy and healthy stock of edibles for furtive consumption that makes grocery store vegetables seem bland. The other lady, I’ll call her the Little Lady, believes that gardening is best performed while running back-and-forth harassing the smallest member of the upstairs neighbor’s family until one of you can no longer resist the overpowering urge to fertilize one of the emaciated trees in the yard.

But, if I was pressed to answer, and I am because of a legal agreement, I would say that deep inside you fear that you will lose your finger in a trowel accident and I will tell everyone that you lost it in a volcanic duel with Gollum.

Download the high resolution 8.5 by 11 version

Contrary to popular belief The Oatmeal is super friendly and love hugs:

If you want a hug from The Oatmeal you should take the image below:

Because so many of you (approximately 30,000) are coming here looking for information and pictures about Bristol Palin I thought I could help you out.

Take this survey to find out “How long could you take a warm nap between Bristol Palin’s smooshy boobies?”

These are my results:
I could you take a warm nap for 27 minutes! between Bristol Palin’s smooshy boobies?
For those of you who are looking for Bristol in a bikini.

I have kind of fallen off the grid on this blog, but with good reason. I am making a comedy album!

Rose and I are using Kickstarter.com to raise money to turn the best of this blog, plus unpublished, content into a audio hilarity, limited edition t-shirts and posters.

Come join us at KickStarter:

The KFC Double Down has triggered my inner competitive nature. I present The Quadstrocity.

If you want to see it in full detail you can watch the Unaltered Quadstrocity it’s 17 Min.

After completing this task I had to drink a half gallon of water and many more beers before my body returned to “normal” functioning.

Chris Pez (www.houseofsound.org)

How Much Money Do You Have in Your Pockets?

$22

What is the funniest Text on your phone right now?

No one sends me funny, I just get informational.

Have you ever pretended to be someone else on the phone?

When I was young.

What happens when you hit a ninja with a car?

Unless the ninja is drunk or old I can’t see that happening. If he is drunk or old he’ll probably just yell at you in Japanese and stumble on his way impervious to his injuries.

If you could have chosen you own name what would it be?

Liam.

If you could only have one type of sandwich for the rest of your life what
would it be?

Peanut butter and banana.

Anything else I should know?

I have a radio show on Wednesdays 8-10pm and you should listen.

Chris Pez is truly a stand-up guy. This is evidenced by the fact that I once said, “Let’s go get a beer and a sandwich” and he took that to mean: “Let’s go to 9 strip clubs in 12-hours and be BFFs.” Evidently he killed many of his brain-cells that night; because eventually he asked me to be his best man. You can see more pictures from Chris’ wedding in posts about love.

Today’s Guest:

Karianne Stinson (http://twitter.com/karianne)

How Much Money Do You Have in Your Pockets?

I have 1 dollar.
What is the funniest Text on your phone right now?

Hmm, one of my favs is “Help! Crazy bitches everywhere!”

Have you ever pretended to be someone else on the phone?

“Hi! This is Cindi from Baskin-Robbins and if you can name 31 flavors in 31 seconds we’ll give you 31 dollars! Ok? Ready? Go!”

What happens when you hit a ninja with a car?

He goes to ninja heaven. But ninja goats go to hell.

If you could have chosen you own name what would it be?

Goddess-of-all! Not really though. I like my name and it’s many variations.

If you could only have one type of sandwich for the rest of your life what would it be?

I like variety too much. I don’t like to be limited.

Anything else I should know?

Carlos is the coolest! Well… at least he makes me laugh!

Karianne is an avid karaoke singer and creator of novel concepts, like the six-month-itch. KA used to be a teacher; she may have “molded” the mind of your child. She is my preferred drinking buddy at work-type events. As you can see above she sometimes holds up my end of the deal when I am indisposed. I think you should follow Karianne on Twitter.