I Do Things

It has been over 5 years since we “accomplished” our “mission” in Iraq I think it is time we start thing about the United States next acquisition. Now I know that the popular thought is Iran, but I have a different suggestion:

Invade New Zealand

New Zealand has beautiful land:

Look at that view. What did New Zealand do to deserve such splendor? You can’t have anything that nice and expect no one else to want it.

New Zealand Has Beautiful Women:

I actually only know one Kiwi. Her name is Jane. So, based on my limited sample this is what a New Zealand woman looks like.

Jane told me to take some Facebook pictures:

Jane in a dress:

Jane likes to eat food that is green, and revels in the meta-ness of a kiwi eating a kiwi:

She sometimes Martinis make her sad:

Other observations about New Zealand based on Jane:

• They like competitive sports
• They like jogging with Belgian Malinois (Malinoises? Malinoisi?)
• They like vodka

And a very small “army,” according to the always-SUPER-accurate Wikipedia.

• 8,998 Active Soldiers
• 2,230 Reserve Units
• 2 Military Ships
• 53 aircraft

I think even Costa Rica could invade New Zealand — mainly because cops in Costa Rica have assault rifles.

Consider my plan:

Collect everyone that is obsessed with one of the following things:

1. Lord of the Rings
2. Anna Paquin
3. Lucy Lawless (Xena Warrior Princess)
4. Russel Crowe

By my calculations we out number the New Zealand Army by about 611-to-1. Put all the creepy old guys in the front, followed by weird teenagers, followed by fat people followed by whoever else is interested in taking New Zealand (who does that leave? Battle Star Galactica fans who aren’t fat creepy, or teenagers, and me). I don’t think we will even need guns. I bet at first they will think it is funny; like we are a giant conference of weirdoes propping up the tourism — then Bam! Crushed under a wave of perverts, smelly teenagers and US lard. Think about it.

Who do you think we should invade? Send your answer to carlos@delriomedia.com.