I Do Things

photo credit: bovinity

Oatmeal (@ - W): @inflatemouse why don’t panda bears have more sex? nature is bullshit

Well, Oatmeal, you make me think that I should start a series called “Animals Doing It.” So far I have covered how birds, porcupines and now panda bears.

So I have a couple of theories:

One - Panda bears are bored easily.

I don’t mean bored by their surroundings, I mean bored with each other. Apparently zookeepers have tried showing pandas porn, but it didn’t work. I think Chuang Chaung was thinking “How do i get with the hot piece in this video?”

Two - Pandas are very picky.

It turns out that Chuang Chaung is overweight very overweight - he is 70 pounds (32kg) heavier than the largest wild pandas. Can you blame Lin Hui for not wanting to be smooshed under a stinky obese ball of hair that watches porn all day? Then again Lin Hui is like 30 pounds (14kg) overweight herself so she should be happy that there is a team of Thai zookeepers spending their morning trying to arouse her man for her. Seriously if Lin Hui really wanted it she would just get on top.

Three - Panda Bears are not getting proper nutrition.

So apparently pandas have the digestive tracts of carnivores and the eating habits of herbivores. Let me tell you that 1.) When I was a vegetarian I didn’t have much time for things that didn’t involve eating 2.) Since pandas are eating large quantities of cellulose, which they don’t digest, they are probably gassy. But, then again, if they aren’t aroused because their partners are fat maybe we need to malnourish them to get them back in the mood for love, or strap some food to Lin Hui head and hope that her fat suitor follows her long enough for her to give up.

Four - Bear with me on this one

I think that maybe panda bears are similar to platypi, in that they are atypical mammals. Specifically I think that they secretly breed in the mountains via asexual-budding and they don’t want us to know about it. Because, come on, they all look the same.