Things Monkeys Like: Not White People


Overheard: Why aren’t there any monkeys here?

Map of Monkeys:

Monkey Map
  • Pink = White People
  • Orange = New World Monkeys
  • Red = Old World Monkeys

You will notice that there is a suspicious lack of monkeys in the high White People areas. I endeavor to answer why.

I went out into the Interweb to find pictures of how monkeys react to various people and substances.

Monkey + Monkey = Fist-Fight

Mokey Play

Monkeys, like sorority girls, will start wresting if you throw them in a pool.

Monkey + brown kid = Hugging

Child and Monkey

Obviously these two had some issues but the monkey at least looks happy. Apparently monkeys make bad baby sitters. They also make bad role models; unless your biggest goal in life is to live someplace warm and sunny while you eat fruit all day. On second thought that sounds nice if you throw in a drink. Monkeys make great role models.

Monkey + White Person = Biting

Monkey Bite

See. No one in this picture looks happy. This obviously malnourished simian has resorted to semi-cannibalism to solve his problems.

Monkey + Expensive Sandwich = Death

Dead Monkey
This monkey was killed by eating an expensive sandwich, #63 from

Monkey + 11 minutes of NPR = Death

Dead Monkey

Eleven minutes listening to public radio, #44 from SWPL, this monkey fell off a porch. Even more proof that monkeys might not like White People.

Monkey + Booze = Hilarious

Martin Bowling Drinking a Zima

Wait. That looks like a Zima. And this monkey is still alive and relatively happy. I am going to ask Official Zima Monkey and Certified White Person Martin Bowling why he thinks that monkeys and White People don’t live in the same places:

You know I too wonder about the Caucasian to monkey ratio. Maybe cause we’re such assholes?

So there you have it the only thing that White People and Monkeys agree on is Zima.

No monkeys were harmed in the making of this blog.

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41 Responses to “Things Monkeys Like: Not White People”

  1. Joshua Sciarrino

    Great blog post.
    It is a phenomenon. Thanks for covering it. 😉

  2. Silver Elves » Blog Archive » Why There Are No Monkeys In The US

    […] yet, it has recently come to my attention that there are no monkeys in the United States of America, well, at least outside […]

  3. Kaylee Taylor

    you are very racist aganst white people seriously what did they ever do to you

  4. Carlos

    @Kaylee – I don’t make the facts, I just report them.

  5. I Do Things » Am I A Racist

    […] it has been implied that I am racist; based largely on my post on monkeys hating white people. I also realize that a while ago I suggested that we should invade New […]

  6. Animals Zoo Park

    Excellent ……..Great Post.

    Thanks Mr.Carlos


  7. tedriana

    yall crazy as hell

  8. ben

    Now we know why monkeys kill people! Well, white people!

  9. jitsaw

    youre idiotz

  10. Jay

    @Kaylee: Assuming he’s not white, the better question might be what HAVEN’T whites done to him … yet?

    Monkeys don’t live near white people for the same reason MANY wild animals don’t: industrialists pave their habitats and kill them if they encroach.

    I concur with Martin Bowling: it boils down to the fact that white people are assholes.

    … and I’m white myself.

  11. sharaf

    white people kills animal for funny which is evil maybe that is why.

  12. monkeytroubles

    Soooo are we here to try and make the world a better place for the monkeys(our closest relative no matter the color of your skin) or just have a racist dig at each other????? seems to much energy is going into arguing and not being pro active.mmmm come on people.

  13. Darth Bob

    According to your map, monkeys don’t like Middle Eastern, East Asian or Western South Americans either. Please explain.

  14. Carlos

    @Darth Bob
    Well, there are a number of theories on that issue. But, it has been observed that both penguins and camels have strained relationships with a variety of monkeys.
    My best guess is that some type of peace accord was signed in the 1200’s.

  15. kkfk

    you guy need a life

  16. makala

    wowooowwowowoow the monkeys are so cute:)

  17. Monica

    This is hilarious

  18. Lisa

    I do not know who you but you must be trash your self making false post on the internet about white people.One’s color does not matter how they care for their pets.

  19. BlahfuBlah

    I have noticed that you think white ppl live in Mexico, that is retarded. Also your use of the English language only proves you are retarded. Exp. That is you poop with monkey, Ahababalahaha. Suck my giant white monkey hating dick.

  20. Mina

    So “white people” are the only ones who kill animals? Is this why apes are going extinct in africa? And The whole sea life is dying because of the asians? The whole planet if F@#$ED UP! Wake Up you prick.

  21. Stan Lee

    “My best guess is that some type of peace accord was signed in the 1200′s.”

    LMAO. This is comedy gold (or some kinda shiny object that white folks like).

  22. Mike.edgy

    Brilliant, I’ve been losing sleep over this very issue for so many years, thanks for clearing it up.

  23. Facts

    Honestly, don’t say you are only reporting the facts when you have not one single source backing up your claimes. Some of the people in India have white skin, and a good deal of the people in China and Japan have white skin. White skin does not equal caucasian. Of course, I’ll admit that I don’t find your post raciest… simply silly.

  24. Jon

    There are clearly way too many people that don’t understand sarcasm. Maybe that’s why the monkeys don’t like them?

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