According to Matt Inman and the good people at OnePlusYou I could win a fair fight against 30 five-year-olds, approximately one first grade class. So that begs the question:
What would it look like for 30 five year olds to attack me?
My meticulous study of video games and monster movies tells me that either a battle will ensue after I am ejected from a car after a high-speed chase into a room where the 5-year olds are feasting on their previous victim or I will get a strange feeling about an empty room seconds before five year olds start pouring in through windows and ventilation shafts. For the sake of this post I will assume the windows and shafts method.
Now that we are all in the room I think it’s going to go down like this:
Because I am a young healthy adult there is no question that I could destroy any given 5-year-old human in a one-on-one competition. For the record I’m going to give them the kind of mercy that they would never show me by stopping when they are unconscious. The major action is going to come when they start acting as packs, or one hive mind, and they will. I have been a camp counselor; I’ve seen the team attack.
credit: Philofoto
On average 5-year-old weigh 40 pounds (18 kg) so I am going to have trouble if I get more than 12 at a time attached to me. To overcome their numeric advantage I need to take advantage of my height and reach by doing a lot wide striking and throwing. In truth I will likely need to get a hold of a smaller one and use them as a bit of a shield when possible.
What most people mistakenly think of lifting the kids off the ground, but that’s a mistake. After half-a-dozen 40 pounders you will find that your endurance is running down. Endurance is the one thing that I will never be able to match them on. If you have ever watched little kids play soccer you know
- They never get tired
- They instinctively swarm
Instead doing a lot of running I will need to consolidate their approach by getting a wall of corner to restrict them. The first wave is always a distraction to get your eyes of the real danger, fresh fighters. I need to take advantage of their lack of tactical skill by disrupting their movement. This means strategic force; pushing the first wave under the swarm; using their natural momentum to trample their fighters. The ensuing pile up would allow me to literally step over the more aggressive kids to pick-off the slower ones that don’t get caught in the initial push.
By moving quickly I can use the wall or corner that I was formerly in to pin down most of the kids, simply raining blows down on who ever is on top. Certainly there will be some tenacious brats that claw there way up from the ground, but the pace of fight should be significantly slowed.
I suspect the pile would look like this; only with more shoe prints & crying and kids instead of puppies.
credit: WoofB
Having achieved a thinning of the heard my job is now keeping my pace consistent to make sure they don’t go on the defensive. Their small bodies and low weight makes it much easier for them to maneuver and scale objects. If one or two of them hide I may be in for a protracted battle – and no one wants to recount unconscious children while pondering where the last one is hiding. So, I need to keep the speed up and throw small ones at anyone who tries to run away. Truly this would not be a flashy fight; just dirty brawling and a lot of crying.
credit: pcgn7
Again, based on my study video games the doors will re-open after I have defeated the last one. I will be allowed back into the world of adults where I can have a bourbon and discuss grown-up things with an improbably proportioned woman.
So to boil down the tips for fighting off a swarm of kids:
- Stay mobile.
- Use broad swipes, like a bear.
- Be mean.
- Never let their cries for mercy cloud your thirst for survival.
