I Do Things

credit: Auzigog

Q: i want to see live naked girls but hate beaches and don’t want to pay $1 a song. what’s a reasonable way to go about this?

-Chris from Portland

Chris, since you apparently live at the intersection of pale and cheap the only real solution is to throw a party. Not just any party, but a Toga party. Toga parties and Halloween parties are traditional American venues for being exhibitionist without taking responsibility for it.

The trick is many people are still too inhibited to just get naked and dance. So, you have to introduce a social lubricant, e.g alcohol.

It just so happens that I have a graph of the affect of alcohol on people’s likelihood of committing nudity.

Compare that to my second graph: How likely you are to notice you are nude.

Dancing and togas, as some of you know, leads to a high Accidental Nudity Quotient (ANQ). ANQ is widely observable in people like Paris Hilton, Tara Reid, and Lilly Allen. Accidents, plus low chance of caring, plus high Spontaneous Nude Outbursts (SNO) make toga parties a prime location for nudity sans dollars or beach.

The only issue is getting sufficient lubricant into your guests. I recommend sangria, but soak some pineapple in everclear first. Your guest will quickly reach the 50% Spontaneous Nude Outburst 50% not caring about accidental nudity caused by dancing/wardrobe malfunctions.

Be warned that high levels of alcohol and nudity may drastically change the type of party you have on your hands; leading to mysterious stains on your upholstery, walls and floor. These people have the right idea, kiddie pools seem effective as a prophylactic against mess, as does throwing a party in your backyard. Just don’t let your friends drown.

credit: AndyFitz