I Do Things

A question has entered my mind via Penny Arcade: How do you groom a girl?

Specifically this girl, Felicia Day.

Felicia Day, of Internet Fame

Some women may not be aware of this, but, many men find grooming a woman very rewarding for both parties. Sadly, I don’t think that most women trust the meticulous juxtapositions and renovations of their bodies to, what they consider, unprofessional hands.

I am going to give you a few pointers on how to groom a woman.

First you have to be aware that there is a lot of potential work area on a woman. I can perform 90% of my grooming with an electric razor; not so with a woman. Even though they, generally, have less hair than their masculine counterparts there are more variations on how it is treated, or mistreated. They also have a greater choice in artificial accessories.

Just for the sake of sanity lets list the potential parts you can groom:

• Hair
• Face
• Eyes
• Lips
• Armpits
• Legs
• Bikini Area
• Hands
• Feet

Even with the daunting list of things to do men are not deterred. However, I think there is some degree of worry associated with how to approach the subject. Thankfully woman come with several pre-made handles.

Shoulders

These tend to be sturdy, easy to get a hold of, and inoffensive. I rate them a solid 3 of 5 as a grip point while grooming.

Use for:

• Hair
• Face
• Eyes
• Lips

Ears

This handle works reasonably well for anything on the face. But, be aware that many woman get strange flashbacks and angry looks on their face when a man grabs their ears. The amount of fighting back you will get makes this a 2 out of 5.

Use for:

• Face
• Eyes
• Lips
• Reminding her of her Ex

Breasts

I am a fan of this handle; it just seems natural. Probably the best grip for distracting her from what you are doing. I have long arms so I use this one whenever I get the chance. I give this handle 4 of 5, but mainly because of favoritism.

Use for:

• Hair
• Face
• Eyes
• Lips
• Distraction
• Foreplay

Love Handles

This is another of those areas that women are sensitive about. You should probably not call them love handles in front of her. I give the handle that is actually called a handle 4 of 5 for utility. It is second only to shoulders for appropriateness, but, oddly, a common choice for grip while grooming the inappropriate bits.

Useful for:

• Bikini Area
• Upper Legs
• Tickling

Neck

I know it looks tempting, so tempting, to wrap your fingers around her supple neck. But be careful; some girls dislike being squeezed here, at least in this context. I give the neck 2 0f 5 for grooming.

Useful for:

• Face
• Hair
• Hearing her use the safe-word

Wrist

The wrist is perfect for working on hands, but it can also be useful pair with putting your knee on her shoulder to hold her still while working on her ticklish bits. By itself 3 of 5. Combined with another handle 5 of 5.

Use for:

• Hands
• Armpits
• Reminding her of her creepy uncle

Ankles

This is the preferred grip for shaving legs or doing toes, if she has ticklish feet, and also useful for bikini area. Don’t grab both ankles at once; this tends to make them suspicious of your intent. I give the ankles 4 of 5 as a grip.

Use for:

• Feet
• Legs
• Bikini Area

Mouth

Like the neck it looks right, but it is very difficult to do much with your hand in her mouth. You are going to get covered in drool, and probably bit. plus it makes lipstick hard to apply. I give the mouth 1 of 5 as a handle.

Use for:

• Dental Work

Helpful Tips

Be gentle. You may not realize how scary it is to have someone wielding a sharp instrument and looming over you. Just think about the care you would want her to take while shaving your massive neck beard.

If you are working on her face you should be standing in front of her.

Compliment her a lot while you are grooming her; otherwise she may think that you are passive-aggressively commenting on her looks.

Unlike the projects you are used to more force is not the solution. If you feel a high level of resistance, such as kicking, screaming, or telling you to untie her it is best to change your approach.