We need a plan for our coworker to quit smoking.
His girlfriend quit a year ago, but clearly hasn’t made much progress towards changing. He has been saying he’ll quit after each major milestone, for over a year now. My guess is he knows the smoking is curbing his appetite, and he’s worried he’ll gain weight if he stops smoking.
-Bisquick
That’s an interesting dilemma you have, you don’t want to make your friend fat and you also don’t want him to die of stomach cancer. Obviously cancer trumps fat, unless you have cancerous fat. So, here is that plan.
Step 1:
get him to watch this video: Bill Plympton’s 25 Ways to Stop Smoking
This will establish that you all have a good sense of humor about him destroying precious years of his life.
Step 2:
Tell your friend that you all have joined forces to help him quit. Say “We can’t afford a Sumo Wrestler, so we have hired a Cambodian Midget to punch you in the wang every time you smoke. Also we are dressing him up like a kid so that if you ever do anything to him it will look like you are beating a child, and we will post the video on YouTube.”
Like this:
If you have any doubt that this will work try thinking about enjoying a cigarette and being punched in the wang by a Cambodian midget; it is impossible, they are mutually exclusive. And the YouTube videos of chasing kids get you fired so that should give him a scare.
Step 3:
Since you probably don’t have a Cambodian who is willing to dress like a child and is under 4′10′ you should probably take the joke time to have someone replace his cigarettes with ones that have had ipecac painted on their filter tips. Ipecac is amazing stuff, it will literally make him “cac” up the contents of his belly when it touches his mouth. Seriously, between thinking about being punched in the wang and vomiting whenever you think about cigarettes your need will curb quickly. And at least he will have some ipecac around if he has to “deal with a weight issue.”
Bonus points: Caffeine is an appetite suppressant. Also trading one addiction for another is pretty effective — does he like the Internet?
