I Do Things

photo credit: Jim Sneddon

Is caffeine bad for me? Why can’t my dad quit?

- Aya (a 4-year-old)

Yes, Aya, caffeine is bad for 4-year-olds. Surprisingly it is also kind of bad for older than 4-year-olds too. But because it gives you magic powers including, but not limited to:

• Alertness
• Quicker thoughts
• A feel of general hapiness
• Alleviating the the crushing feeling that I am part of some crappy (boring) video game
• Letting me hear the electricity vibrating in my walls

most adults consume about 300 milligrams of caffeine a day. I consume roughly three times that amount on Mondays and wean myself off to about 1 cup of coffee, or 150 milligrams caffeine, by the end of the week. It is amazing the difference that it makes in my typing speed, willingness to complete projects, and stay awake until lunch.

After lunch caffeine acts as an incentive to stay awake until dinner. It turns out that one can actually die from caffeine, the median lethal dose is 192 mg/kg. That means that approximately 12.2 grams, or 0.43 onces, of caffeine would have a 50% chance of killing me. So here is where we see why caffeine is bad for 4-year-olds, the average 4-year-old girl is 35 pounds so 50% of them will die if given 3 grams of caffeine, or 15 cups of coffee.

Seriously checkout what caffeine did to this spider:

Imagine a 4-year-old trying to spin a web on caffeine, it is not a pretty thought.

Anyway, Aya, the reason your father can’t stop drinking coffee is because he can’t smoke anymore - caffeine is basically nicotine for wimps. In the same way that nicotine is just cocaine for people who have stronger lungs than noses. Basically he has been working his way down the chain of things that kill you. About the time you turn 13 he will probably start working his way back up as you come closer to dating. When his body gives out he will probably just settle into alcoholism, or golf.