When two people get married, their kids get the father’s name (with rare exceptions).  For each family that has only girls, that family name won’t be continued.  This means every generation we should lose a fraction of family names.  Will we eventually run out of family names?

-A Friend of J

No, that is seriously… You have to be kidding me. No, we won’t run out of names. Not only to people make up last names for various reasons — including fraud, disassociation from exiting family, or being born with a dumb name — but people also have a huge overlap in names. Any family that has had at least two name carriers at any time has a huge number of name carriers. I bet that there are at least 1,000 that have the same last name as you that have no discernible relation to you. There has probably never been a name that simply disappeared from existence for more than a day or so.

But thanks for the question. I always appreciate a ludicrous premise.

What’s going to be the next crazy Ben & Jerry’s flavor?

-Tanqueray

My best guess is Barney the Presidential Scottie Crunch. It will contain banana ice-cream with chunks of walnuts and butter-nut squash. It will have a picture of a fat black dog barfing a cornucopia.

Have you seen this man?

Christoper Alan Glein

I last saw him the week of July 21st. We made tentative plans to get together last weekend, but when I called him I got his answering machine. I tried texting him a few hours later, but nothing. Not even a friendly “got your message.”

I have known him since we were 10 years old. We have shared many formative moments together, not in a gay way. I have come to consider him a true, and dear, friend that I thought would be around forever. However, it has now been 5 days, and I fear the worst: Ninjas, Dinosaurs, or maybe even death. Well, probably not death considering he wrote 3 blogs this week, I think that is his personal record.

Anyway he likes comic book movies, video games, zombies and girlie drinks. So, you will probably find him: a.) at Cinerama, b.) festering in his own juices cradling an xbox 360 controller, or c.) in a graveyard looking helpless. Christopher is very skittish so approach him slowly. If you give him a cosmo, or other girl drink, with rohypnol he will fall asleep like a cheerleader.

Chris is about six foot one and weighs… I don’t actually know but it is, but, probably a lot, so you should bring a hand truck, or something, to haul him. If he has died, and his ghost wrote those blog posts he is survived by his adoring fiancé Jessica Totten.

I am willing to give a reward to anyone who brings him to me, obvious more if he is alive, or for information as to his whereabouts.

Chris, if you are dead I promise to give you a eulogy your mother will never forgive me for.

photo credit: jhenryrose

Back in the bygone days of 2004 I had more time than money, so, my bike geekiness had to take a backseat to cost. Today I am going to moon over what my dream bike would be now. My current bike, a fixed gear, is 24.5 lbs (11,113 g) my goal is to drop to 16 lbs (7,258 g) or less — about 45% weight decrease.

• Frame: Litespeed Ghisallo — it is super light 1.98 (900 g) pounds for my size, M frame. Starting here I already drop more than 2 pounds. Unfortunately the Ghisallo has vertical dropouts, these are bad for single speed bikes, but that can be fixed with a chain tensioner.
• Bottom Bracket — Shimano Dura Ace Track BB7700 173 g. I am a Shimano fan.
• Crank Set & Chainring — Dura Ace FC7710 550 g & 49 tooth ring. Might as well match the set.
• Hubs — Phil Wood low flange rear and front ~ 534 g. I don’t know why, but this is a prestige thing. I have never ridden Phil Wood hubs, but I want to badly.
• Wheelset — Velocity Aerohead Rims, Wheelsmith XL-14 double butted spokes, 700 x 23c tubes and tires ~ 1950 g (total).
• Fork — Reynolds Ouzo Pro AERO 441 g. Carbon fiber forks give a softer ride.
• Headset — Cane Creek Solos 72 g. This is what Litespeed uses so it is the easy choice.
• Stem — Salsa Moto Ace 130 g. I have one of these and like it so I might as well stick it out.
• Handle bars — Nitto Bullhorn 230 g. I like the bullhorn style bars for around town riding.
• Breaks — Dura Ace BR7800 314 g.
• Pedals — Dura Ace PD-M647 568 g. Pedals are surprisingly heavy compared to other parts, but they are clip in hybrids so I can be versatile.
• Freewheel — ACS 18 tooth 135 g.
• Chain — Shimano 105 9spd 305 g.
• Seat Post — Oval Concepts R700 190 g.
• Saddle — Planet Bike ARS 400 g. I love this saddle I have put thousands of miles on my current one. Here my geekiness is taking a backseat to ass comfort.

This is all the major stuff that goes into a bike. It is 15.2 pounds (6,900 g). But I will have to add some miscellaneous parts: cables, chain tensioner (fixes the dropout issue), bar tape, brake levers, reflectors, etc), but I think that even with these additions I will weigh in at 16 pound bike.

I think that the best thing about this bike is that if I get the decals off it will be a unremarkable bike on the outside and dreamy a little rocket in every other situation. I think it could be my last bike ever, especially since it would cost more than a Vespa, unless I get some good deals.

We need a plan for our coworker to quit smoking.
His girlfriend quit a year ago, but clearly hasn’t made much progress towards changing. He has been saying he’ll quit after each major milestone, for over a year now. My guess is he knows the smoking is curbing his appetite, and he’s worried he’ll gain weight if he stops smoking.
-Bisquick

That’s an interesting dilemma you have, you don’t want to make your friend fat and you also don’t want him to die of stomach cancer. Obviously cancer trumps fat, unless you have cancerous fat. So, here is that plan.

Step 1:
get him to watch this video: Bill Plympton’s 25 Ways to Stop Smoking

This will establish that you all have a good sense of humor about him destroying precious years of his life.

Step 2:

Tell your friend that you all have joined forces to help him quit. Say “We can’t afford a Sumo Wrestler, so we have hired a Cambodian Midget to punch you in the wang every time you smoke. Also we are dressing him up like a kid so that if you ever do anything to him it will look like you are beating a child, and we will post the video on YouTube.”

Like this:

If you have any doubt that this will work try thinking about enjoying a cigarette and being punched in the wang by a Cambodian midget; it is impossible, they are mutually exclusive. And the YouTube videos of chasing kids get you fired so that should give him a scare.

Step 3:

Since you probably don’t have a Cambodian who is willing to dress like a child and is under 4’10′ you should probably take the joke time to have someone replace his cigarettes with ones that have had ipecac painted on their filter tips. Ipecac is amazing stuff, it will literally make him “cac” up the contents of his belly when it touches his mouth. Seriously, between thinking about being punched in the wang and vomiting whenever you think about cigarettes your need will curb quickly. And at least he will have some ipecac around if he has to “deal with a weight issue.”

Bonus points: Caffeine is an appetite suppressant. Also trading one addiction for another is pretty effective — does he like the Internet?

photo credit: Jim Sneddon

Is caffeine bad for me? Why can’t my dad quit?

- Aya (a 4-year-old)

Yes, Aya, caffeine is bad for 4-year-olds. Surprisingly it is also kind of bad for older than 4-year-olds too. But because it gives you magic powers including, but not limited to:

• Alertness
• Quicker thoughts
• A feel of general hapiness
• Alleviating the the crushing feeling that I am part of some crappy (boring) video game
• Letting me hear the electricity vibrating in my walls

most adults consume about 300 milligrams of caffeine a day. I consume roughly three times that amount on Mondays and wean myself off to about 1 cup of coffee, or 150 milligrams caffeine, by the end of the week. It is amazing the difference that it makes in my typing speed, willingness to complete projects, and stay awake until lunch.

After lunch caffeine acts as an incentive to stay awake until dinner. It turns out that one can actually die from caffeine, the median lethal dose is 192 mg/kg. That means that approximately 12.2 grams, or 0.43 onces, of caffeine would have a 50% chance of killing me. So here is where we see why caffeine is bad for 4-year-olds, the average 4-year-old girl is 35 pounds so 50% of them will die if given 3 grams of caffeine, or 15 cups of coffee.

Seriously checkout what caffeine did to this spider:

Imagine a 4-year-old trying to spin a web on caffeine, it is not a pretty thought.

Anyway, Aya, the reason your father can’t stop drinking coffee is because he can’t smoke anymore – caffeine is basically nicotine for wimps. In the same way that nicotine is just cocaine for people who have stronger lungs than noses. Basically he has been working his way down the chain of things that kill you. About the time you turn 13 he will probably start working his way back up as you come closer to dating. When his body gives out he will probably just settle into alcoholism, or golf.

photo credit: Randy OHC

Please note that this was written in 2008. I do not have any information on the more recent events at this time.

I just found out about a tragedy at my alma mater, Reed College. A young man named Alejandro “Alex” Lluch died of an overdose last month. I want to offer my condolences to his family and friends. Since 1998 I have had a love/hate relationship with Reed.

My first weekend visiting the college featured a Junior telling me “Reed is the most painful (difficult) experience of my life, but I am coming back next year,” for many of my contemporaries this description became theirs too.

Reed, like many intense academic institutions, attracts brilliant minds. The downside of bright minds is that they often come from very painful backgrounds; mental instability and loneliness are common traits of intelligence. Feelings of estrangement lead to strange behaviors.

It is difficult to make the best decisions when we are young, but teenagers and young adults will make their own decisions — regardless of restrictions. Many of the articles that have been written about the death imply that Reed College drug policies are culpable. Reed’s drug policies are not responsible for addiction and they are not responsible for shame. The most dangerous part of drugs is not the substance — the danger is in the parts of life that feed addiction. When people feel they have no outlet for fear, shame, and pain they have to turn somewhere. Some people become addicted to sports, theater, studying, etc. other turn to drugs, excessive exercise, or unhealthy eating to control something in a world that denies a sense of order.

Every couple of years Reed alum have to sit through a round of whining about Reed’s unwillingness to strike fear and shame into the hearts of its students. Reeds policy in all things is explicit take responsibility for your actions and do what is right. I frequently hear about drugs on campus, but I don’t hear much about obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety, and eating disorders that run rampant. Addiction is a lifestyle, it is not a substance. Drugs are not the reason that kids die, alcohol is not the reason kids die, poor decisions are the reason kids die.

Everyday kids die because they make a poor life decision out of fear. Fear of what parents, their peers, or authority figures will do in reaction to the kid’s choices. Draconian laws, rules, and policies only serve to exacerbate fear and shame. Most kids don’t drive drunk for fun — they do it because they are afraid that they will get caught breaking rules. Drinking, or doing drugs, in seclusion is dangerous. Strict regulation fetishizes actions and substances, gives them cache, and drives them into hiding. Away from prying eyes children are that much further from help. Every extra minute that it takes to get proper care could be the one that makes the difference between life and death.

Strict regulation is never going to make drugs disappear. Alex made several good decisions, including attending a school where he could make friends and be open about his preexisting struggle with addiction. If he did not attended Reed he may not have had the luxury of those 8 months, he may have made his final (bad) decision sooner.

On April 5th Alex made a difficult choice that every struggling addict faces. He had to decide which is more important — the high or not admitting his failure. He chose to get high alone.

It does a disservice to the memory of Alex and many others who have died to imply that someone else is responsible. You can never love someone enough to fix them; counseling, support and punishment will always fail to bridge the chasm of fear, shame, and pain if the person experiencing them doesn’t believe the crossing is for them.

For everyone who has lost a loved one to addiction please accept my sincere sympathy. Your loss is hard enough without passing blame.

Sorry all going to Portland for a wedding. I am the Best Man so tonight I am going to be Bachelor Partying. Tomorrow I will probably be answering stripper related questions. As in either questions from strippers or questions about strippers. Maybe I will be answering questions about how much my head hurts and difficult painful situations I would prefer to my future state of being.

If he keeps this up he is going to get “Eated”:

photo credit: ml_diva

Today I got a surprise. A little button it said: I Make Stuff Up. I was snuck up on and pinned. It has been an ongoing joke that I have an entertaining remembrance of the past. I can accept that I do find “real life” trite. I mean really, life starts and ends the same way – eat, sleep, poop. There, it is done. With one exception, the long section in the middle where it goes like this: Sleep, Eat, Do something you hate for 8 hours, poop.

King Arthur, Frodo, John Wayne, George Washington, your mom et al are just made up. Even the people you know are fictional. I know that sounds weird, but your perception and “the story” people around you remember are not the same. Life is more fun with heroes and villains. Epic battles in real life are far subtler than in the stories that you read.

Telling a story often rests on a simple premise, who disagrees with my view of the world. There are people who were there and saw it differently, there are people who dislike theatricality and there are people that are just jerks – those are the people who disagree with me. My goal in telling a story is to add entertainment and humor; I don’t make things up. I make things more vibrant or more tailored to the crowd. It is important when you tell a real story that you stick to the spirit of the story. If you see a clown on a Vespa it is okay to say you saw a bunch of mimes on mopeds – it just paints a better picture.

When you make stuff up you get full reign. You can say that Snoopy is a girl or that the in order to be Pope you have to sit on a special chair where they check for your testicles, because of Pope Joan. Anyway, I love a good story. If you know any you should share them.