30

According to Matt Inman and the good people at OnePlusYou I could win a fair fight against 30 five-year-olds, approximately one first grade class. So that begs the question:

What would it look like for 30 five year olds to attack me?

My meticulous study of video games and monster movies tells me that either a battle will ensue after I am ejected from a car after a high-speed chase into a room where the 5-year olds are feasting on their previous victim or I will get a strange feeling about an empty room seconds before five year olds start pouring in through windows and ventilation shafts. For the sake of this post I will assume the windows and shafts method.

Now that we are all in the room I think it’s going to go down like this:

Because I am a young healthy adult there is no question that I could destroy any given 5-year-old human in a one-on-one competition. For the record I’m going to give them the kind of mercy that they would never show me by stopping when they are unconscious. The major action is going to come when they start acting as packs, or one hive mind, and they will. I have been a camp counselor; I’ve seen the team attack.

credit: Philofoto

On average 5-year-old weigh 40 pounds (18 kg) so I am going to have trouble if I get more than 12 at a time attached to me. To overcome their numeric advantage I need to take advantage of my height and reach by doing a lot wide striking and throwing. In truth I will likely need to get a hold of a smaller one and use them as a bit of a shield when possible.

What most people mistakenly think of lifting the kids off the ground, but that’s a mistake. After half-a-dozen 40 pounders you will find that your endurance is running down. Endurance is the one thing that I will never be able to match them on. If you have ever watched little kids play soccer you know

1. They never get tired
2. They instinctively swarm

Instead doing a lot of running I will need to consolidate their approach by getting a wall of corner to restrict them. The first wave is always a distraction to get your eyes of the real danger, fresh fighters. I need to take advantage of their lack of tactical skill by disrupting their movement. This means strategic force; pushing the first wave under the swarm; using their natural momentum to trample their fighters. The ensuing pile up would allow me to literally step over the more aggressive kids to pick-off the slower ones that don’t get caught in the initial push.

By moving quickly I can use the wall or corner that I was formerly in to pin down most of the kids, simply raining blows down on who ever is on top. Certainly there will be some tenacious brats that claw there way up from the ground, but the pace of fight should be significantly slowed.

I suspect the pile would look like this; only with more shoe prints & crying and kids instead of puppies.

credit: WoofB

Having achieved a thinning of the heard my job is now keeping my pace consistent to make sure they don’t go on the defensive. Their small bodies and low weight makes it much easier for them to maneuver and scale objects. If one or two of them hide I may be in for a protracted battle – and no one wants to recount unconscious children while pondering where the last one is hiding. So, I need to keep the speed up and throw small ones at anyone who tries to run away. Truly this would not be a flashy fight; just dirty brawling and a lot of crying.

credit: pcgn7

Again, based on my study video games the doors will re-open after I have defeated the last one. I will be allowed back into the world of adults where I can have a bourbon and discuss grown-up things with an improbably proportioned woman.

So to boil down the tips for fighting off a swarm of kids:

1. Stay mobile.
2. Use broad swipes, like a bear.
3. Be mean.
4. Never let their cries for mercy cloud your thirst for survival.

credit: berbercarpet

Is there anything you can put on a cake that would make it less appetizing?

-Casey

In the grand illusions that so many of you insist qualifies as Real Life there are a handful of questions that shake one to the core. This is one of those questions: Is there anything you can put on a cake that would make it less appetizing? Cake, like Coffee, is a platonic solid. A thing that is unto itself; neither composite nor fusible.

I know that some of you protest saying that cake contains knowable parts like flour, eggs, and chocolate. But, this is the the child like view of one who has not escaped the rusty chains of mundanity to see that synergistic complexities that create an ambrosial substance like cake. Case-in-point gross frosting does not deter one from the consumption of cake solids they slather.

It takes quite a bit of thought to truly create a foul topping for a cake. Take for example Salmon Paste as a topping that sounds bad, but all you have to do is make a savory lemon and onion cake and it suddenly isn’t bad at all. You could make a sour-cream and chives frosting, that sound horrible, however, if pair that with a potato cake suddenly it seems alright. If you made a potato flavored cake I think you could even put chili on it. So, you see what I mean. Seriously you are hard press to envision a topping that has not application to the proper cake.

However, I do believe it is possible to make an unappetizing cake. A truly inept cook can create a wretched cave-shadow version of Cake that leaves the viewer/taster worse for the experience. Take the tale of one Midwestgrrl:

Let’s see, what went wrong next? Oh yes, the cake. I did everything right for the cake until I folded the flour in. What looked like a beautifully smooth, fluffy batter was actually hiding huge pockets of unmixed flour, which showed up very unattractively in the finished cake. So, the finished consistency of the cake was “rubbery fried egg with flour pockets,” which, let’s face it, is not something you would want to try if you saw it on a menu.

You can also make an unappetizing looking cake:

Kitty Litter Cake

Yes, it looks like kitty litter, but it is actually Germans Spice Cake with vanilla pudding, green cookie crumbles, and Tootsie Rolls. Overall that cake probably tastes fine.

Certainly Casey it is possible to add something to cake that makes it bad, but you have to have either stoic determination or a very loose definition of cake.

During a rousing round of drinks with some Internet friends we addressed the fact that Martin Bowling looks like a gentleman in his Twitter Avatar:

But looks like and Arby’s Sandwich in real life:

When I heard the question that I most dread:

Do you know who you look like?

The answer is a resounding, yes, I do know who I look like. But, there is always a tense moment for me. I have been likened to 3 people in the last 10 years, and depending on your tastes you probably recognize one of them.

Maybe? Why are you looking at me like that?

The first one that I ever heard was Jaye Davidson AKA Ra from the Stargate movie:

I guess a little bit. The problem is that most of the people who made this comparison were not SciFi geeks. They were an entirely different type of person; the kind that know Jaye as the Transexual from the Crying Game:

Back in the 90′s I had long hair. I was also a teenager so I did have that uncomfortably androgynous look that many teens take on. Also I had seen both movies so I wasn’t really taken aback that people wanted to compare.

All of the trouble none of the fun.

The next round of “Hey you look like…” was a little more curious for me, because I totally missed the cultural phenomenon that brought the next look-a-like on to television. While I was wondering around Coasta Rica, Panama and Nicaragua Meadow Soprano was boning some guy named Noah:

His real name is Patrick Tully. One of the first things I did after returning to the States was go to Las Vegas. After 3 months in the jungle I didn’t have much desire to interact with security personnel at major resorts. But every night at least once a security guard the size of a grizzly bear would walk all the way across a bar, pool, or whatever to inquire:

Security Guard: Are you the guy who slept with Meadow on the Sopranos.

Me: No, I am a guy getting drunk at a wedding.

Security Guard: Really? You look just like him.

Me: I don’t think I have slept with her.

I wish it weren’t true

Finally, most recently, and the choice of 5 out of 5 people who had drinks with me at the Blue Moon on Wednesday:

David Cross from Arrested Development and Mr Show. But seriously I don’t see the resemblance. Compare. One of them is David Cross mouse over the picture to find out:

or

And that’s, apparently, who I look like.

credit: Auzigog

Q: i want to see live naked girls but hate beaches and don’t want to pay $1 a song. what’s a reasonable way to go about this?

-Chris from Portland

Chris, since you apparently live at the intersection of pale and cheap the only real solution is to throw a party. Not just any party, but a Toga party. Toga parties and Halloween parties are traditional American venues for being exhibitionist without taking responsibility for it.

The trick is many people are still too inhibited to just get naked and dance. So, you have to introduce a social lubricant, e.g alcohol.

It just so happens that I have a graph of the affect of alcohol on people’s likelihood of committing nudity.

Compare that to my second graph: How likely you are to notice you are nude.

Dancing and togas, as some of you know, leads to a high Accidental Nudity Quotient (ANQ). ANQ is widely observable in people like Paris Hilton, Tara Reid, and Lilly Allen. Accidents, plus low chance of caring, plus high Spontaneous Nude Outbursts (SNO) make toga parties a prime location for nudity sans dollars or beach.

The only issue is getting sufficient lubricant into your guests. I recommend sangria, but soak some pineapple in everclear first. Your guest will quickly reach the 50% Spontaneous Nude Outburst 50% not caring about accidental nudity caused by dancing/wardrobe malfunctions.

Be warned that high levels of alcohol and nudity may drastically change the type of party you have on your hands; leading to mysterious stains on your upholstery, walls and floor. These people have the right idea, kiddie pools seem effective as a prophylactic against mess, as does throwing a party in your backyard. Just don’t let your friends drown.

credit: AndyFitz

A question has entered my mind via Penny Arcade: How do you groom a girl?

Specifically this girl, Felicia Day.

Felicia Day, of Internet Fame

Some women may not be aware of this, but, many men find grooming a woman very rewarding for both parties. Sadly, I don’t think that most women trust the meticulous juxtapositions and renovations of their bodies to, what they consider, unprofessional hands.

I am going to give you a few pointers on how to groom a woman.

First you have to be aware that there is a lot of potential work area on a woman. I can perform 90% of my grooming with an electric razor; not so with a woman. Even though they, generally, have less hair than their masculine counterparts there are more variations on how it is treated, or mistreated. They also have a greater choice in artificial accessories.

Just for the sake of sanity lets list the potential parts you can groom:

• Hair
• Face
• Eyes
• Lips
• Armpits
• Legs
• Bikini Area
• Hands
• Feet

Even with the daunting list of things to do men are not deterred. However, I think there is some degree of worry associated with how to approach the subject. Thankfully woman come with several pre-made handles.

Shoulders

These tend to be sturdy, easy to get a hold of, and inoffensive. I rate them a solid 3 of 5 as a grip point while grooming.

Use for:

• Hair
• Face
• Eyes
• Lips

Ears

This handle works reasonably well for anything on the face. But, be aware that many woman get strange flashbacks and angry looks on their face when a man grabs their ears. The amount of fighting back you will get makes this a 2 out of 5.

Use for:

• Face
• Eyes
• Lips
• Reminding her of her Ex

Breasts

I am a fan of this handle; it just seems natural. Probably the best grip for distracting her from what you are doing. I have long arms so I use this one whenever I get the chance. I give this handle 4 of 5, but mainly because of favoritism.

Use for:

• Hair
• Face
• Eyes
• Lips
• Distraction
• Foreplay

Love Handles

This is another of those areas that women are sensitive about. You should probably not call them love handles in front of her. I give the handle that is actually called a handle 4 of 5 for utility. It is second only to shoulders for appropriateness, but, oddly, a common choice for grip while grooming the inappropriate bits.

Useful for:

• Bikini Area
• Upper Legs
• Tickling

Neck

I know it looks tempting, so tempting, to wrap your fingers around her supple neck. But be careful; some girls dislike being squeezed here, at least in this context. I give the neck 2 0f 5 for grooming.

Useful for:

• Face
• Hair
• Hearing her use the safe-word

Wrist

The wrist is perfect for working on hands, but it can also be useful pair with putting your knee on her shoulder to hold her still while working on her ticklish bits. By itself 3 of 5. Combined with another handle 5 of 5.

Use for:

• Hands
• Armpits
• Reminding her of her creepy uncle

Ankles

This is the preferred grip for shaving legs or doing toes, if she has ticklish feet, and also useful for bikini area. Don’t grab both ankles at once; this tends to make them suspicious of your intent. I give the ankles 4 of 5 as a grip.

Use for:

• Feet
• Legs
• Bikini Area

Mouth

Like the neck it looks right, but it is very difficult to do much with your hand in her mouth. You are going to get covered in drool, and probably bit. plus it makes lipstick hard to apply. I give the mouth 1 of 5 as a handle.

Use for:

• Dental Work

Helpful Tips

Be gentle. You may not realize how scary it is to have someone wielding a sharp instrument and looming over you. Just think about the care you would want her to take while shaving your massive neck beard.

If you are working on her face you should be standing in front of her.

Compliment her a lot while you are grooming her; otherwise she may think that you are passive-aggressively commenting on her looks.

Unlike the projects you are used to more force is not the solution. If you feel a high level of resistance, such as kicking, screaming, or telling you to untie her it is best to change your approach.

Thomas Roche

Why are there laws?

-A kid talking to his dad

Laws are made for one of two reasons:

Some things are illegal because they are fun (e.g. speeding, naming your kid Sex Fruit, or pretending to be a cop).

Some things are illegal because you can hurt people (e.g. speeding, stealing, or driving on the sidewalk).

There is also a genre of crimes that sort of defy description. Laws like marriage licenses, why do I need a license to commit my life to something? They don’t require a license to join a church. And there are laws about which law supersede which laws when they conflict. For example federal law supersedes state law in any context that state law conflicts with constitutional law, but you can still be charged federally for growing medical marijuana. I’m not a lawyer, but, I don’t think that the Constitution mentions ganja.

And there are laws that literally make it illegal to be a teenager. Seriously, it is a federal crime to transport a minor across state lines if you intend to have sex with them. This essentially make it federal crime to be a boy between the age of 16 and 18. No concerts or road trips. Let me tell you that is a weird law, and how exactly do you determine intent? When I was 17 I probably “intended” to put it wherever it fit (and some places it didn’t).

I am getting off topic. The reason we have laws is because old people are all jerks that want to make sure young people don’t get to have the same fun the old people had. To that end I recommend that you never trust anyone older than me.

Thank You and Goodnight

How do you make out with lots of chicks?

-Sl4y3rX

In an homage to Jessica Hagy here is the answer to making-out with lots of “chicks”?

So there you have it. The way to make-out with lots of chicks is to to buy one, after another, after another, or volunteer for the humane society.

Alternately you can stop referring to women and chicks. You should also invest in at least two nice outfits, and a hair cut. Oddly, the most successful string of kissing that I have ever experienced was by having my friend following me with a video camera on a college campus. Just walk up to them and ask.

photo credit: musictowakeyou

I keep my phone on vibrate and in my pocket. Often it feels like it’s vibrating even when it’s not. What is the deal with these phantom vibrations?

-Jevan

Well Jevan the reason that you have phantom vibrations, sometimes called ringxiety, is that you are a nervous, self-obsessed person. You want so deeply to be important that your brain is misinterpreting non-vibratory signals as potential phone calls. Say the wind blows against your neatly pleated, recently ironed, pants your brain starts think, “Yippie! Someone wants to talk to me.” So, it tells you your leg it feels vibrating — and that makes you happy as you reach to get your phone. Unfortunately, as many geeks come to find out, owning a cell phone does not induce people to call you –-so, you grow confused and sad that no one is interested in talking to you; causing you to release, what I call, undorphins. These undorphins are the reason that you feel unclean all the time, and wash your hand so much.

Now there is another possibility, I may be wrong about you being a Nervous Nelly. You could be experiencing excessive pressure in the sensory cortex of your brain, or, you could have a cancerous node malignantly crushing against the central nerve in your leg. The best way to find out is to ask a friend to check the back of your skull and your groin for lumps. If you find any don’t try squeezing them, take my word for it hurts a lot. Anyway, you should have zero lumps at the back of your skull and between zero and three down below, depending on how active you were as a kid.

If you want to read more about Ringxiety and the people who suffer from it visit USA Today.

It has been over 5 years since we “accomplished” our “mission” in Iraq I think it is time we start thing about the United States next acquisition. Now I know that the popular thought is Iran, but I have a different suggestion:

Invade New Zealand

New Zealand has beautiful land:

Look at that view. What did New Zealand do to deserve such splendor? You can’t have anything that nice and expect no one else to want it.

New Zealand Has Beautiful Women:

I actually only know one Kiwi. Her name is Jane. So, based on my limited sample this is what a New Zealand woman looks like.

Jane told me to take some Facebook pictures:

Jane in a dress:

Jane likes to eat food that is green, and revels in the meta-ness of a kiwi eating a kiwi:

She sometimes Martinis make her sad:

Other observations about New Zealand based on Jane:

• They like competitive sports
• They like jogging with Belgian Malinois (Malinoises? Malinoisi?)
• They like vodka

And a very small “army,” according to the always-SUPER-accurate Wikipedia.

• 8,998 Active Soldiers
• 2,230 Reserve Units
• 2 Military Ships
• 53 aircraft

I think even Costa Rica could invade New Zealand — mainly because cops in Costa Rica have assault rifles.

Consider my plan:

Collect everyone that is obsessed with one of the following things:

1. Lord of the Rings
2. Anna Paquin
3. Lucy Lawless (Xena Warrior Princess)
4. Russel Crowe

By my calculations we out number the New Zealand Army by about 611-to-1. Put all the creepy old guys in the front, followed by weird teenagers, followed by fat people followed by whoever else is interested in taking New Zealand (who does that leave? Battle Star Galactica fans who aren’t fat creepy, or teenagers, and me). I don’t think we will even need guns. I bet at first they will think it is funny; like we are a giant conference of weirdoes propping up the tourism — then Bam! Crushed under a wave of perverts, smelly teenagers and US lard. Think about it.

Who do you think we should invade? Send your answer to carlos@delriomedia.com.

photo credit: samholland

Who would win in a fight Medeski Martin & Wood or They Might Be Giants?

-Chris’ Birthday Party

Well they both make a mean children’s band, and by mean I mean potentially damaging to the fragile psyches of potentially innocent children. Ultimately, there can be only one winner and it comes down to the following factors:

• Suppositional Giantness
• Who I have a cooler picture of
• Accordians
• John Flansberg once ate a live squirrel

What these things have to do with who would win a fight

While you can call into question whether They Might Be Giants you can’t call into question the fact that they play the accordion. So obviously they must have spent the last 28 years fighting of the three fans and billions of haters of accordion music. Subsequently They Might Be Giants has grown battle-worn and visious, as evidenced by squirrel ingestion. Seriously, they have a song about making puppets out of heads and worms auditioning for drummer jobs — they obviously live by different rules than the rest of us.

If, in fact, they are giants then the member of Medeski Martin & Wood who might be made of wood will quickly be turned to splinters used to loose squirrels from Flansberg’s massive teeth. Not only that, They Might Be Giants is a 5 person band, outnumbering Medeski Martin & Wood 5 to 3.

Check out how they hang out:

Look at them! Angry faces, angry instruments, flannel, their image is so powerful it burned the color out of the film and left the photographer desiring for a post-coitus cigarette.

In contrast look at Medeski Martin and Wood:

Look at them! Wearing parkas to protect their fragile bodies from the cold and their fragile skin from real sun. You can feel the camera weeping from the wimpiness.

And to put an end-cap on why They Might Be Giants would tenaciously trounce Sadeski Fartin & Woodyoustophittingme Here come the ABC’s is a Gold Album and I don’t even know the name of MMW’s kids album.

Thank you and goodnight.