credit: boeke

My current most frequent search result: Is Love an Obligation?

Certainly, love is an obligation to not be an asshole, to shower on a regular basis, and to be the best person you can be for the people you love. The thing that crushes love the most is relying on other peoples love. Love does not obligate people to you, it obligates you to them. Think about it.

If you love someone you don’t make them wait for you; even if you are always late. If you love someone you remember their birthday; even if you forget everyone else’s. Love is only an obligation for you. It is not an obligation to you.

Tell someone you love them tonight and take joy in being, and time to be, a better person

credit: Dunechaser

Is discretion really the better part of valor?

- I forget your name, sorry?

The answer is both yes and no. I think that it depends on your personal reading of the phrase. The popular definition of the idiom is this:

“It is better to be careful and think before you act than it is to be brave and take risks.”

For whom is it better? You? The world? I think that this advice is for the weak. Yes, bravery can put you in danger, but cowardice puts everyone in danger. If you balk at making quick decisions you may find yourself with very confined possibilities. So, no, discretion is not really the better part of valor, unless… you read the statement like this:

“Sometimes it takes more courage to wait than to act.”

This is how I would use the phrase, even though no one else uses this way. When you think, or know, that something is wrong you should act. But maybe not immediately. Stopping an immediate issue may not have any grand effect. To truly affect change you may have to travel up river from your problem to someone who can make a more lasting difference. So, yes, some times it is more valorus to postpone action.

How do you toot your own horn?

This wasn’t asked, more just demonstrated at about 4 am on November 1st. According to a gathering of women in the wee-morning hours after Halloween the way to toot your own horn is the plow.

The Plow Position

One of the ladies demonstrated The Plow, aka Hala-asana, and immediately her husband tried saying “You are about to be obsolete… no… wait… nevermind it’s not big enough.” Needless to say I laughed. For those of you who want a more graphic interpretation of the Plow watch this:

Yoga – Plow Posture ( Hala Asana )
<disclaimer I swear to you that is not me in the video. I can’t grow that much hair and I have tattoos>

Edit: I wrote a Haiku

I can dream to do
The Plow, Hala-asana,
to toot my own horn

photo credit: ….Tim

What is the hardest part of growing up?

-CJ

There are a lot of hardships in growing up. Frankly, it probably isn’t worth the effort. Here is a short list of the things that you will lose while growing up:

• Teeth
• Vigor
• Innocence
• Virginity (only once if your lucky)
• A sense of peace
• Hair

What you get in return:

• Responsibility
• Bills
• Taxes
• Hair (in different places)
• Greasy during the transition to Adulthood
• The general societal expectation that you will both produce AND care for a child
• Back Pain
• Knee Pain

In addition to that you will also get to meet people who are better than you in every way that people can be measured, you will probably get to attend the funeral of some one you love, and you will probably break a bone at some point.

But, I think that ultimately the hardest part of growing up is letting yourself realize that it isn’t necessary. Leaving behind childish ways is important, you have to become “not a child,” but when you become an adult you actually get to set the rules. Being a grown-up means taking command of your life and means, not becoming what your parents and society told you to be.

A check list for becoming a full-fledged person:

1. Respectfully tell your parents they are wrong
2. Admit that even though you can try anything in the world doesn’t mean you can do anything in the world
3. Respectfully tell someone that is better than you that you appreciate their skills, but you still think they are a douche-bag for being better than you. Yeah you know who I am talking to. I think you are amazing — please don’t crush me with your mind.
4. Graciously accept a compliment
5. Defend a childhood past time
6. Participate in a childhood past time
7. Chastise a friend for being too much like what their parents wanted them to be
8. Give people hugs
9. Do number 8 until people start complaining
10. Respectfully tell the complainer to get bent and continue doing number 8 until you die

That about sums it up.

credit: ♥ HunterJumper ♥

How do they fix a mans penis when it breaks?

-Tori

The answer to that question really depends on your definition of breaks. Do you mean stops working properly, like erectile dysfunction, or do you breaks like a bone? Since we all receive regular e-mails informing us about Viagra and Cialis I am going to make the assumption that you mean the second more horrifying type of break that haunts the dreams of every man that likes to put his back into it.

Unfortunately, if that was your intention, I am not going to look into that. I am unwilling to subject myself accidental pictures of broken members, so instead I am going to describe two methods they use on people who have erectile dysfunction that needs surgery.

One of the options is a semi-rigid rod that is inserted into your little guy that makes a permanent soft-on. When you need it to do some business you just bend it up in the “on” position, and when you are done you put it back down in the “off” position.

Second there is the option of inflatable rods and a fluid reservoir that is stored in your abdomen. The fluid reservoir connects to the inflatable tubes and a pump control device that is added to your scrotum to keep your man grapes company. You simply pump your extra nut to extend your personal towel-hook and when you are finished with your activities you press a release valve allowing you some well earned rest from bionic fornication.

Hopefully this gives you a better picture of what a man does when his body betrays him.

credit: / juL /

Why do Americans get so angry about politics? It doesn’t seem like many people even know what is happening.

-Someone who wants to be anonymous

First, do you know what truculence is? It is aggressive self-assurance, belligerence, a kind of bravado that falls, ultimately, on an arbitrary distinction. Dem vs. Rep; red vs. blue; us vs. them; seriously just a big waste of time, right?

I don’t have political opinions. I have political convictions. I believe that every citizens responsibility is to forward the candidate that they feel will makes the most intelligent decisions for the future of the country. The future is the most important consideration in choosing a leader. Any nation that walks forward while staring backwards is doomed to stumble.

Americans believe in Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness, supposedly, they scream about it, sing about it, and fight about it. But, for some still unknown reason many of them only believe they as individuals are entitled to these things. That is a problem.

I think the greatest anger comes from people who have not taken the time to observe the world around them. The United States are at a cross-roads; they need to stop dreaming about the myth of utopia and address the world as it exists today. A long period of prosperity has made many people myopic. It is sad that recent history has stranded many people that were once fruitful, but hobbling the nation to buy a few years will only hurt us in the long run.

True Americans are looking into the future — accepting that what is good for the nation is good for them. Some people had the good fortune to live in a time where they could be selfish assholes, but that is over. The time for truculence is over. True Americans will buckle down into modesty; into building the future; into the pursuit of simple happiness. To truly love your country means accepting that the pursuit of happiness does not mean tomorrow.

I know that doesn’t really answer the question. Let me try again. When it comes right down to it Americans are smelly ill-mannered, jock-straps. No, thats not right either. Americans are pointlessly angry because too few of them ask several important questions:

1. How does the United States drive its economy?
2. How do I guarantee that we continue to grow?
3. How do I pass prosperity to the next generation?
4. Is it appropriate to limit others in a way that I would not want to be limited myself?

Ultimately, the best thing that anyone can do is ask a lot of questions about their country and ask lots of questions of their friends. Familial connection to a party is rather silly, because modern American political parties (Democrat & Republican) are conveluted at best.

Ask lots of questions about your society, please.

Overheard: Why aren’t there any monkeys here?

Map of Monkeys:

• Pink = White People
• Orange = New World Monkeys
• Red = Old World Monkeys

You will notice that there is a suspicious lack of monkeys in the high White People areas. I endeavor to answer why.

I went out into the Interweb to find pictures of how monkeys react to various people and substances.

Monkey + Monkey = Fist-Fight

Monkeys, like sorority girls, will start wresting if you throw them in a pool.

Monkey + brown kid = Hugging

Obviously these two had some issues but the monkey at least looks happy. Apparently monkeys make bad baby sitters. They also make bad role models; unless your biggest goal in life is to live someplace warm and sunny while you eat fruit all day. On second thought that sounds nice if you throw in a drink. Monkeys make great role models.

Monkey + White Person = Biting

See. No one in this picture looks happy. This obviously malnourished simian has resorted to semi-cannibalism to solve his problems.

Monkey + Expensive Sandwich = Death


This monkey was killed by eating an expensive sandwich, #63 from StuffWhitePeopleLike.com.

Monkey + 11 minutes of NPR = Death

Eleven minutes listening to public radio, #44 from SWPL, this monkey fell off a porch. Even more proof that monkeys might not like White People.

Monkey + Booze = Hilarious

Wait. That looks like a Zima. And this monkey is still alive and relatively happy. I am going to ask Official Zima Monkey and Certified White Person Martin Bowling why he thinks that monkeys and White People don’t live in the same places:

You know I too wonder about the Caucasian to monkey ratio. Maybe cause we’re such assholes?

So there you have it the only thing that White People and Monkeys agree on is Zima.

No monkeys were harmed in the making of this blog.

If you like this post you should take part in my newest project: Take Part in Art!

What the fuck is “fire eagle”? what is it good for? why did i bookmark it? why did i sign up?

- Chris

FireEagle is Yahoo!’s version of DodgeBall. You remember DodgeBall, right? No, you don’t remember DodgeBall? Well it was an early entry to social media that came out in like 2005. Basically you text your location and it tells everyone you know with it a certain radius where you are.

Essentially it is cyber-stalking meets microblogging meets fail concept from 3 years ago. Why you signed up is anybody’s guess. Maybe you liked DodgeBall but hate the fact that it is owned by The Google.

The only thing I think of it being useful for is mass texting your friends to let them knoe that you are lonely and drinking in their neighborhood.

Why can’t you get a tossed chef salad? Pile of lettuce, pile of ham, pile of turkey, couple eggs. Can’t they mix it up?

- Ginny

First  bit of history care of Epicurious;

Though nobody has ever stepped forward to claim the title of the chef in “chef’s salad,” the dish has been attributed by some food historians to Louis Diat, chef of The Ritz-Carlton in New York City in the early 1940s. He paired watercress with halved hard-boiled eggs and julienne strips of smoked tongue, ham, and chicken. (The concept of the chef’s salad dates still earlier; one seventeenth-century English recipe for a “grand sallet” calls for lettuce, roast meat, and a slew of vegetables and fruits.)

Yes, Ginny, one can physically toss a Chef’s Salad but it gets messy. Also there was an agreement made in 1978 that strictly what types of salads that may be tossed. On a more serious note you should be careful who you ask to toss a chef’s salad; it could end badly.

What will be the approximate top ten “sexy ___________” costumes for women, 2008?

- Casey

1. Patent Attorney
2. Non-French Maid
3. Sanitation Engineer
4. Paperboy
5. Sitcom Writer
6. Walrus
7. Certified Public Accountant
8. Large Hadron Collider Mechanic
9. Cat
10. Lumberjack

credit: BrittneyBush

credit: Hello_Serjiy

Is there a god?

- JeremyLuebke (@)

Jeremy, that is a good question. And very hard to answer. Ultimately I think it falls on each of us to make some time to answer the question as an individual. Because it would be unethical, and in some places illegal, for me to get you so high that you touch the unnameable that either is or is not the God that you speak of I must defer to asking opinions.

Fredrick Nitsche: God is Dead <–(links to YouTube Video)

Obviously F-Niche believes there was at one time a God, but alas our repugnant nature turned said God belly up. Which either means yes (but now no), or it was all a social construct. So, Niche leaves it up in the air.

Thomas Aquinas: I can conceive of such a thing that is perfect, and in being perfect it must exist. For existence is more perfect than non-existence so it must be that the thing I conceive is true.

So, I had to paraphrase a bit, but, no real help from Tommy-boy. For a proof it contains far less math than say the Pythagorean Theorem, now that’s a proof. I will turn his statement around a bit: I can conceive of the perfect cake and in being the perfect cake it must exist for “being” is prerequisite to being perfect. the obvious hole in the logic is that I consider “being in my belly” as being prerequisite to being the perfect cake. Hence, the perfect cake does not actually exist; because it is already inside of me.

The same problem hits every individual. Does perfect connote existence? And that is a different bag of worms all together.

Penn Jillette: Believing there is no God means the suffering I’ve seen in my family, and indeed all the suffering in the world, isn’t caused by an omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent force that isn’t bothered to help or is just testing us, but rather something we all may be able to help others with in the future. No God means the possibility of less suffering in the future.

Penn says no. No, there is no god. We are responsible for all good, all evil, and there is no redemption save reformation & active pennance. The active belief that God is a fallacy allows for open interactions pan-culturally and the increased ability to take responsiblity for our part in the world.

My Mom: What is wrong with you?

My mom brings up a point. Does it really matter? However, I don’t think that was her intention in the statement.

I think that there are people who are comforted by the concept of total subjugation to something that is out of their control and there are people that are comforted by the concept of efficacy. For each of those people the answer is different. Finding an answer to: How do I fit into the Universe beyond what I can see? is something that every person should take the time to do.

Because there is more to Heaven and Earth than is dreamed of in the philosophy of man, Jeremy Luebke.

Here is $5. I don’t know what question to ask.

- John Moroney, from the coffee shop

Thanks for having faith in me. In return, because it has taken so long for you to ask a question, I will say something nice about you:

John is a very funny man. In every sense of the phrase: he is an entertainer, a bartender, and a writer. He makes me laugh most of the time and has a boundless energy. He is a nice guy, but dentist recommend against kissing him because of chipped teeth; not schmaltz content.

Watch his video on dating. It contains marshmallow-bits of truth that will sweeten the milk of your otherwise boring today. Most of his work is NSFW and if you live in Seattle you may recognize him from Zombie Tapioca Lovefest.

Other nice things about John:

• He has made the only Bloody Mary I can stand to smell, let alone drink.
• He is tall.
• He has many talents — including once designing a car, and a chair.
• He has a tendency to just show up in places I like to frequent.
• Umm… I believe he finds the concept of Dentistry Humor funny.
• Oh! He laughs very load when I tell jokes; that’s my favorite quality in anyone.

And that is what is good about John Moroney.

Goodnight, and Good Luck.