I found this ridiculous image of Google Suggests and thought I should help out.

• Do men have periods? Yes, of steroidal rage.
• Does sperm whiten teeth? I don’t know. I need to do further testing.
• Does Jesus have a tattoo? Yes, it’s a tramp-stamp.
• Does jerking off make you blind? Only if it goes in my eye.
• Do Virgins taste better? How are you cooking them?
• Are Asians good in bed? In my experience, no.
• Do albinos have white pubes? The real ones do.
• Do babies poop in the womb? I hope not.
• Do black people get lice? Only if we hang out with white people with lice.
• Do blind people blink? You’re an idiot.
• Do cougars eat snakes? Do you mean “Cougars” and “Snakes”? Then yes.
• Do fat people fart more? Sadly, yes, both in volume and frequency…please god send a paper bag.
• Do homeless people get knock knock jokes? Homeless people do often understand the concept of doors.
• Do Mexicans celebrate Valentine’s Day? Do you mean “Mexicans” and “Valentine’s Day”? Then yes.
• Do midgets have night vision? Let me ask @JoannaLord and get back to you
• Do periods attract bears? My periods of steroidal rage have never attracted bears, but yours might.
• Do old people have gray pubic hair? I really don’t know. I suspect they have hardwood floors.
• Do Hippies believe in God? Yes, and some of them believe in Jah, who loves tiny sprinkled donuts.
• Does sperm have calories? Yes, but it’s mostly protein.
• Do red heads have red pubic hair? Only if they are real red heads. But, then they also look great in a pink cardigan.
• Do aliens eat humans? That’s racist.
• Does pooping make you lose weight? Yes, every morning.

The simple answer is Bristol Palin.

Well, to clarify, I can only really answer why women don’t trust me. The answer to that is Bristol Palin. Tender, thick, dangerous if under-prepared–like a pork chop–Bristol.

I have some very understanding friends. I have largely received grudging nods to my point that she is 19, so, clearly of age. I also seen suppressed giggles when I assert that clearly she puts out (see: Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston).

Recently I think I took my “say what is on your mind” frankness too far when I asserted that Bristol probably looks like the following picture under her polka-dot dress.

Except, you know, with yearling wolf pelt lining and a Raised in Alaska tattoo.

I think that laying sweet Bristol down onto the cream and sage floral print sheets of my IKEA futon mattress is one of the few things that would make even me feel a little dirty. but, it’s a fun thought and something that no girl, thus far, has been willing to role play.

And that is why women don’t trust me.

– My Mom

This is an interesting question and heady question. Usually it begins with a sandwich that looks like this:

photo credit: Sakurako Kitsa

After vigorous chewing the sandwich goo gets stored in a place I call the belly sac. A strong acid that lives in my belly sac helps break the goo into a number of smaller components that are utilized by mitochondria.

photo credit: jcalyst

Mitochondria, busy little organelles, use water to form ATP. My muscles convert the ATP into movement in response to impulses from my brain as needed throughout the day.

Then after 8 to 12 hours I strip down naked, bust a grumpy and take a shower– just like an astronaut.

Recently it has been implied that I am racist; based largely on my post on monkeys hating white people. I also realize that a while ago I suggested that we should invade New Zealand.

I want to put to rest any questions you may have about my possible bigotry. Racism is the belief that some group of people is superior to another. Those that prescribe to race being a valid distinction often break it into 9 genetic clusters.

1. African
2. Amerindian
3. Arctic Northeast Asian
4. European Caucasoid
5. New Guinean & Australian
6. Non-European Caucasoid
7. Northeast Asian
8. Pacific Islander
9. Southeast Asian

There isn’t that much genetic difference between “races,” mainly just superficial things.

I see people in a very different way. There is me and there is everyone else. So, until such time as I am cloned and qualify as a group I am not a racist–just self-important.

One of those ethereal questions that comes up at parties.

I feel like the question is a trap. If I answer with someone who is dead I feel like I am subject to ridicule so I always want think of someone alive, but I also don’t want to use someone clichéd. So, after brief thought I choose:

Kellie Everts Miss Nude Universe, 1968

She is still very much alive — and prety attractive for being in her sixties. Though if I had my way I would prefer her circa 1975.

I know you probably think it is strange that I would choose someone that is so obscure. But, there is a reason. I choose Kellie because I want to show up my father by  doing something he failed at, namely, making out with Miss Nude Universe 1968. During my teen years Dad told me a story about his attempt to fool around with Miss Nude Universe that was going well until the conversation veered toward a discussion of priesthood. Apparently this was a topic that interested her more than my my dad interested her, and so my dad failed. This taught me an important lesson: Don’t talk Pope if you want to grope.

I endeavor to boldly go where my father could not; which is why I grew a beard and why I want to visit Europe. So, Kellie Everts is my choice.

I noticed that you had a picture of Melissa Gira Grant a while back. Did she ever take you up on your offer?

- Mike

No, I have not been contacted by any Gawker writers about that. Of course, I didn’t really sell it very well. I should have at least given them the choice of which order the drinking and groping occurs. If you can think of a way that I can make it more appealing let me know. Maybe I should open the invitation to anyone that has more than 1,000 unique visitors to their blog a day. That makes the potential candidates much wider, maybe too wide.

Until recently I had a dream to be written about in Vallywag without a sex scandal. Apparently that is no longer possible. The one writer that is being left behind is Owen Thomas. I don’t know if he is interested in writing about me considering I am not a money player.

So, in a desparate attempt to speed my dreams along I will forsake my former caveat and amend my dream to being mentioned on any Gawker site for any reason at all.

To speed things along even more I am willing to bribe any current/former writer for Gawker Media to write about me. I will fly you to Seattle for rough akward sex and a drink, likely in that order.

My current most frequent search result: Is Love an Obligation?

Certainly, love is an obligation to not be an asshole, to shower on a regular basis, and to be the best person you can be for the people you love. The thing that crushes love the most is relying on other peoples love. Love does not obligate people to you, it obligates you to them. Think about it.

If you love someone you don’t make them wait for you; even if you are always late. If you love someone you remember their birthday; even if you forget everyone else’s. Love is only an obligation for you. It is not an obligation to you.

Tell someone you love them tonight and take joy in being, and time to be, a better person

Is discretion really the better part of valor?

- I forget your name, sorry?

The answer is both yes and no. I think that it depends on your personal reading of the phrase. The popular definition of the idiom is this:

“It is better to be careful and think before you act than it is to be brave and take risks.”

For whom is it better? You? The world? I think that this advice is for the weak. Yes, bravery can put you in danger, but cowardice puts everyone in danger. If you balk at making quick decisions you may find yourself with very confined possibilities. So, no, discretion is not really the better part of valor, unless… you read the statement like this:

“Sometimes it takes more courage to wait than to act.”

This is how I would use the phrase, even though no one else uses this way. When you think, or know, that something is wrong you should act. But maybe not immediately. Stopping an immediate issue may not have any grand effect. To truly affect change you may have to travel up river from your problem to someone who can make a more lasting difference. So, yes, some times it is more valorus to postpone action.

How do you toot your own horn?

This wasn’t asked, more just demonstrated at about 4 am on November 1st. According to a gathering of women in the wee-morning hours after Halloween the way to toot your own horn is the plow.

The Plow Position

One of the ladies demonstrated The Plow, aka Hala-asana, and immediately her husband tried saying “You are about to be obsolete… no… wait… nevermind it’s not big enough.” Needless to say I laughed. For those of you who want a more graphic interpretation of the Plow watch this:

Yoga – Plow Posture ( Hala Asana )
<disclaimer I swear to you that is not me in the video. I can’t grow that much hair and I have tattoos>

Edit: I wrote a Haiku

I can dream to do
The Plow, Hala-asana,
to toot my own horn

photo credit: ….Tim

What is the hardest part of growing up?

-CJ

There are a lot of hardships in growing up. Frankly, it probably isn’t worth the effort. Here is a short list of the things that you will lose while growing up:

• Teeth
• Vigor
• Innocence
• Virginity (only once if your lucky)
• A sense of peace
• Hair

What you get in return:

• Responsibility
• Bills
• Taxes
• Hair (in different places)
• Greasy during the transition to Adulthood
• The general societal expectation that you will both produce AND care for a child
• Back Pain
• Knee Pain

In addition to that you will also get to meet people who are better than you in every way that people can be measured, you will probably get to attend the funeral of some one you love, and you will probably break a bone at some point.

But, I think that ultimately the hardest part of growing up is letting yourself realize that it isn’t necessary. Leaving behind childish ways is important, you have to become “not a child,” but when you become an adult you actually get to set the rules. Being a grown-up means taking command of your life and means, not becoming what your parents and society told you to be.

A check list for becoming a full-fledged person:

1. Respectfully tell your parents they are wrong
2. Admit that even though you can try anything in the world doesn’t mean you can do anything in the world
3. Respectfully tell someone that is better than you that you appreciate their skills, but you still think they are a douche-bag for being better than you. Yeah you know who I am talking to. I think you are amazing — please don’t crush me with your mind.
4. Graciously accept a compliment
5. Defend a childhood past time
6. Participate in a childhood past time
7. Chastise a friend for being too much like what their parents wanted them to be
8. Give people hugs
9. Do number 8 until people start complaining
10. Respectfully tell the complainer to get bent and continue doing number 8 until you die

That about sums it up.

How do they fix a mans penis when it breaks?

-Tori

The answer to that question really depends on your definition of breaks. Do you mean stops working properly, like erectile dysfunction, or do you breaks like a bone? Since we all receive regular e-mails informing us about Viagra and Cialis I am going to make the assumption that you mean the second more horrifying type of break that haunts the dreams of every man that likes to put his back into it.

Unfortunately, if that was your intention, I am not going to look into that. I am unwilling to subject myself accidental pictures of broken members, so instead I am going to describe two methods they use on people who have erectile dysfunction that needs surgery.

One of the options is a semi-rigid rod that is inserted into your little guy that makes a permanent soft-on. When you need it to do some business you just bend it up in the “on” position, and when you are done you put it back down in the “off” position.

Second there is the option of inflatable rods and a fluid reservoir that is stored in your abdomen. The fluid reservoir connects to the inflatable tubes and a pump control device that is added to your scrotum to keep your man grapes company. You simply pump your extra nut to extend your personal towel-hook and when you are finished with your activities you press a release valve allowing you some well earned rest from bionic fornication.

Hopefully this gives you a better picture of what a man does when his body betrays him.