i told my kids…and they screamed with joy as if i had just told them i was going to let them eat ice cream for breakfast everyday or something. They now want to know what the baby’s name is and whether its a boy or a girl and where babies come from and why i’m not having another baby and when we can come visit you and can they hold the baby and what will the dog-baby think of a baby-baby and do you think the baby will like lego and michael jackson. If you could get back to me with those answers ASAP, i’d really appreciate it.thanks.

Okay let’s see here, in order:

1. You’ll find out when it is born. But, for now, we are calling it Blueberry Danger del Rio
2. I think it is a boy, and so does my mother-in-law, but Rose refuses to guess and we can’t actually tell yet.
3. Sometimes when a man loves a woman, or gets drunk enough to forget a condom, or donates to a sperm bank, or scientist engage in a series of complicated procedures, or a woman makes a withdrawal from a sperm bank…and two gametes meet, magic happens and mass of cells turns into a continuingly more complicated mass of cells; until finally a baby is encapsulated inside of what used to be my remarkably fit wife.
4. Probably because your current two are such an “adorable handful.”
5. About 1-2 weeks after the baby is born.
6. That really depends on what kind of bribery they are willing to commit toward me.
7. I think she will be pretty excited. She is already acting weird and clingy with Rose.
8. Yes, all signs point to yes on the lego front.
9. I don’t think that Michael Jackson will be a huge part of Blueberry Dangers life, we are more of a Prince household.

I hope this clears up any lingering questions they have. Also, that is an ultrasound of the actual Blueberry Danger del Rio.

I find that I am at a lack for funny things to say. I’ve been building things and working on other projects. Ultimately, I think that my humor the things that I have written here fall into two major buckets, things that I find funny and things that are too self-referential for anyone to find funny.

I think the thing that is most draining on my energy for this particular endeavor stems from an accident. I was hit by a car, twice. It turns out that it is incredibly painful, I mean so painful that I considered pulling the driver through the window of the car so I could step on them. Have you ever wanted to step on someone? I imagine it is kind of demeaning, like being a dog, or a rug.

Long story short, I’m in pain so frequently that it is hard to be angry enough to be funny. You tell me who should I make fun of?

I have nothing funny to say about Sarah Palin being brought to task on the clear insanity that she has perpetrated over the last 3 years. Well, maybe, I do have something funny to say: Trig does look more like Bristol than Sarah.

Dear Sarah Palin,

Please keep it classy. From now on when you accuse President Obama of being a Kenyan bring both Tripp and Trig’s birth certificates and a picture of you having an ultrasound with on of the 1978 LA Lakers in the room and a copy of Levi Johnston’s Playgirl spread (you know something for the ladies), and, for once, enough bagels for everyone in the press corp.

Sincerely,

Me

A soul, I guess, is that neigh unnameable quantity that separates the thing that we are from the stuff that we are made of. Whether you think that it is ashes and dust or the above linked list of electrons and protons there is still this lingering issue of what resides inside to fuel all of that stuff to be unique, and per-chance divine.

I think the best way to express my thoughts is to tell you a story about my wife.

In my life there is a lot of busyness. I think that whatever SOUL is it only really comes to me in those rare moments of true quite. When the TV and the radio are off, when the dog is calm, when my wife is sitting content (maybe unaware I’m there). That is when it happens, the transcendent moment, when I feel like I can really know her soul. There is a feeling like a bubble has popped; maybe an absence of sorts. Based on the smell I have to assume her soul is made of sardines and hardboild eggs.

Ten years ago both my dad and grandfather died of cancer. All three of us were born in December. This year to honor their memories and lives I am shaving my much loved beard and participating in Movember. This is the first time in 2 years that my whole face has seen the light of day and I would love your help in making this a meaningful gesture.

Help me honor the memory of my father and grandfather, and raise money for cancer research! I have posted the full transition from big beard to just ‘stache. Tomorrow I will shave it all off and start from scratch as part of the Seattle Team. Please help support the 1 in 2 men that are diagnosed with cancer in their life by sharing this with your friends and network.

Thank you for your help. Every pledge makes a difference.

http://us.movember.com/mospace/825928/

I found this ridiculous image of Google Suggests and thought I should help out.

• Do men have periods? Yes, of steroidal rage.
• Does sperm whiten teeth? I don’t know. I need to do further testing.
• Does Jesus have a tattoo? Yes, it’s a tramp-stamp.
• Does jerking off make you blind? Only if it goes in my eye.
• Do Virgins taste better? How are you cooking them?
• Are Asians good in bed? In my experience, no.
• Do albinos have white pubes? The real ones do.
• Do babies poop in the womb? I hope not.
• Do black people get lice? Only if we hang out with white people with lice.
• Do blind people blink? You’re an idiot.
• Do cougars eat snakes? Do you mean “Cougars” and “Snakes”? Then yes.
• Do fat people fart more? Sadly, yes, both in volume and frequency…please god send a paper bag.
• Do homeless people get knock knock jokes? Homeless people do often understand the concept of doors.
• Do Mexicans celebrate Valentine’s Day? Do you mean “Mexicans” and “Valentine’s Day”? Then yes.
• Do midgets have night vision? Let me ask @JoannaLord and get back to you
• Do periods attract bears? My periods of steroidal rage have never attracted bears, but yours might.
• Do old people have gray pubic hair? I really don’t know. I suspect they have hardwood floors.
• Do Hippies believe in God? Yes, and some of them believe in Jah, who loves tiny sprinkled donuts.
• Does sperm have calories? Yes, but it’s mostly protein.
• Do red heads have red pubic hair? Only if they are real red heads. But, then they also look great in a pink cardigan.
• Do aliens eat humans? That’s racist.
• Does pooping make you lose weight? Yes, every morning.

The simple answer is Bristol Palin.

Well, to clarify, I can only really answer why women don’t trust me. The answer to that is Bristol Palin. Tender, thick, dangerous if under-prepared–like a pork chop–Bristol.

I have some very understanding friends. I have largely received grudging nods to my point that she is 19, so, clearly of age. I also seen suppressed giggles when I assert that clearly she puts out (see: Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston).

Recently I think I took my “say what is on your mind” frankness too far when I asserted that Bristol probably looks like the following picture under her polka-dot dress.

Except, you know, with yearling wolf pelt lining and a Raised in Alaska tattoo.

I think that laying sweet Bristol down onto the cream and sage floral print sheets of my IKEA futon mattress is one of the few things that would make even me feel a little dirty. but, it’s a fun thought and something that no girl, thus far, has been willing to role play.

And that is why women don’t trust me.

– My Mom

This is an interesting question and heady question. Usually it begins with a sandwich that looks like this:

photo credit: Sakurako Kitsa

After vigorous chewing the sandwich goo gets stored in a place I call the belly sac. A strong acid that lives in my belly sac helps break the goo into a number of smaller components that are utilized by mitochondria.

photo credit: jcalyst

Mitochondria, busy little organelles, use water to form ATP. My muscles convert the ATP into movement in response to impulses from my brain as needed throughout the day.

Then after 8 to 12 hours I strip down naked, bust a grumpy and take a shower– just like an astronaut.

Recently it has been implied that I am racist; based largely on my post on monkeys hating white people. I also realize that a while ago I suggested that we should invade New Zealand.

I want to put to rest any questions you may have about my possible bigotry. Racism is the belief that some group of people is superior to another. Those that prescribe to race being a valid distinction often break it into 9 genetic clusters.

1. African
2. Amerindian
3. Arctic Northeast Asian
4. European Caucasoid
5. New Guinean & Australian
6. Non-European Caucasoid
7. Northeast Asian
8. Pacific Islander
9. Southeast Asian

There isn’t that much genetic difference between “races,” mainly just superficial things.

I see people in a very different way. There is me and there is everyone else. So, until such time as I am cloned and qualify as a group I am not a racist–just self-important.

One of those ethereal questions that comes up at parties.

I feel like the question is a trap. If I answer with someone who is dead I feel like I am subject to ridicule so I always want think of someone alive, but I also don’t want to use someone clichéd. So, after brief thought I choose:

Kellie Everts Miss Nude Universe, 1968

She is still very much alive — and prety attractive for being in her sixties. Though if I had my way I would prefer her circa 1975.

I know you probably think it is strange that I would choose someone that is so obscure. But, there is a reason. I choose Kellie because I want to show up my father by  doing something he failed at, namely, making out with Miss Nude Universe 1968. During my teen years Dad told me a story about his attempt to fool around with Miss Nude Universe that was going well until the conversation veered toward a discussion of priesthood. Apparently this was a topic that interested her more than my my dad interested her, and so my dad failed. This taught me an important lesson: Don’t talk Pope if you want to grope.

I endeavor to boldly go where my father could not; which is why I grew a beard and why I want to visit Europe. So, Kellie Everts is my choice.

I noticed that you had a picture of Melissa Gira Grant a while back. Did she ever take you up on your offer?

- Mike

No, I have not been contacted by any Gawker writers about that. Of course, I didn’t really sell it very well. I should have at least given them the choice of which order the drinking and groping occurs. If you can think of a way that I can make it more appealing let me know. Maybe I should open the invitation to anyone that has more than 1,000 unique visitors to their blog a day. That makes the potential candidates much wider, maybe too wide.