Ten years ago both my dad and grandfather died of cancer. All three of us were born in December. This year to honor their memories and lives I am shaving my much loved beard and participating in Movember. This is the first time in 2 years that my whole face has seen the light of day and I would love your help in making this a meaningful gesture.

Help me honor the memory of my father and grandfather, and raise money for cancer research! I have posted the full transition from big beard to just ‘stache. Tomorrow I will shave it all off and start from scratch as part of the Seattle Team. Please help support the 1 in 2 men that are diagnosed with cancer in their life by sharing this with your friends and network.

Thank you for your help. Every pledge makes a difference.

http://us.movember.com/mospace/825928/

Cute but deadly this baby is biding her time.

Also, not my baby.

One of the great tricks that life plays on you is the rumor that there are rules. There are no absolute truths, no constants.

As surely as this life will end; I will fail you. I don’t plan on it, but I expect it. I stand on corners and watch bicycles the way a cat watches a bird. Waiting for the right breast, the right wing. They feel me looking. They pitter. But, I am a tease I would rather think about consuming them than ever lurch from my pace.

There is a stop; a breath that will never come right. One ragged breath waits there, still, where I met her eye to eye and we set like jelly. There is an hollow that sounds a gap in the world that requires someone to speak, and we speak about nothing. Feeling like if I let the end of that breath go that she will simply be gone; not the thing I see.

Longing is a type of fear; a quiet that my mind doesn’t hold to. Each minute I wait in the bar for the appointed time make the remnant burn in my chest. Waiting for that conversation that so often twists the wrong direction into a place of nothing, just an end. She moves in. Shoulders up, skittish about how this will work; we embrace. The breath is gone. I wasn’t wrong. But, my breath is gone. We start with a beer to share our fears and 20 questions that start about her and cluster around me. A rare red flower opens up. It goes very well, but, ultimately, this is our last night together.

Matthew Inman (www.theoatmeal.com)

How Much Money Do You Have in Your Pockets?

$4.00 or so.  I only carry cash on Thursdays, those are “tranny hooker night” at the Oatmeal household.

What is the funniest Text on your phone right now?

If u don’t stop texting me poetry about the anus of a buffalo I’m gonna file a restraining order

Have you ever pretended to be someone else on the phone?

When I was a teenager people would often mistake me for my dad when I answered the phone, so one time I just ran with it.  It wasn’t until they started asking questions about carburetors that the jig was up.  I’m not into autos, and I’m pretty sure my car runs on space juice, so my ability to keep up in the conversation didn’t last long.

What happens when you hit a ninja with a car?

I veer out of the way and run over a bunch of old people instead.

If you could have chosen you own name what would it be?

I want a name that combines a force of nature with a reproductive organ, such as ThunderPussy or HurricaneBalls.  CockLightning would be acceptable, too.

If you could only have one type of sandwich for the rest of your life what would it be?

A bald eagle sandwich; they’re both delicious and patriotic.

Anything else I should know?

When I was in elementary school we used to play this game where we’d stretch out our arms out and run around the field while producing sounds like an airplane.  The game was appropriately called “airplanes,” and it was really fun until the day a giant horsefly flew into my mouth and got stuck in my throat.  I spent a good 30 seconds trying to hawk it up, meanwhile it was buzzing and crawling inside my esophagus.  Eventually it shot out of my mouth and went on to what I imagine was a charmed life.  For the remainder of the school year, however, my classmates referred to me as “that kid who ate a horsefly” rather than my first name.

If I were the man then that I am today, I’d personally force feed crickets to all those moon-faced little brats.  My name is Matthew, you little assholes – remember it well.

Matt is Internet infamous for his ribald comics about everything from things you should know about coffee to eating flies. You may notice a striking similarity between the comic that Monkey-Hugger Matthew  “oatmeal” Inman put out yesterday and his answer to my last question. That is because Matt is a salivating velociraptor when it comes to comedy and couldn’t wait an extra day to post his quote unquote comic to the Interwebs. I am feverishly formulating a an emoticon to express my feelings….unfortunately I can’t come up with anything that properly evokes beating a koala to death with a bag of unicorn dung. (Maybe Matt can steal that from me too!)

PS. Buy his comic book

credit: annais

Text flirting, or sexting, is all the rage in the media. Unfortunately they are focusing on amateurs, like teenage picture takers and celebrities.

Let’s use Tiger Woods as an example. What Tiger said, “I will wear you out…when was the last time you got fucked”

Rose sums up the Tiger’s issue pretty well:

While this is probably not an isolated sext. I suspect they’re all this weak, which is the problem with celebrities. They think they don’t have to work at seduction, and they’re too often right.

So, how do you sext your way to seduction?

Your best option is to practice, but don’t practice on your phone. Practice with paper. The beginners course is formulas that you can use to get started and find out where you have the best traction.

Sexting 101: Mad Libs

Remember that these text are about them. Specifically the things you want to do to them because of the uncontrollable desire they produce in you. Start by using I want. Once you have that down pepper your messages with synonyms, like need, have and must. Also, avoid emoticons and ellipses, they water down your message.

Parts:

• I want to put my__(Body Part)__in your__(Body Part)__.
• I want to put your__(Body Part)__in my__(Body Part)__.

Action:

• I want to__(Verb)__ your__(Body Part)__.
• I want to__(Verb)__ my__(Body Part)__(over|in|through|against) your __(Body Part)__ .

Combinations:

• I want to__(Verb)__ your__(Body Part)__with my__(Body Part)__until you __(Verb)__.
• I need to__(Verb)__ your__(Body Part)__with you up on__(Large Object)__in the __(Location)__.

A note on body parts: remember you are trying to be sexy so steer away from medical or juvenile naming, unless you are trying to be funny.

Sexting 202: Free-form and Similes

Now that you are comfortable with the basics stop restricting yourself to body parts. You can use any noun, however there are some nouns that are better than others. Consider the picture that words paint:

• Pickle vs Cucumber
• Little General vs Conquering Soldier
• Curtain Rod vs Garden Hose

Also, start adding modifiers:

I want to_(Verb)_ your_(Noun)__with my__(Noun)__until you __(Verb)__on my floor.

Similes, like statements, are another way to spice up your spicy texts. Start off simple and then try mixing them in with your other skills.

Simple:

I want to__(Verb)__you like a__(Noun)__.

A bit more flowery:

Your__(Noun)__feels like__(Noun[s])__(Verb-ing)__my__(Noun)__.

Sexting 303: Have Fun, But Be Smart

Now that you have some patterns you will quickly learn the limitations of the formulas. You will definitely find that adding modifiers to your Nouns and Verbs help paint a better picture, but don’t modify everything. The best modifications are sensations: warm, salty, firm etc.

Remember that sexting is mental. So, consider your goal and audience. Are you trying to be sexy or dirty? If the goal is dirty go with explicit. If you want better sexy results be implicit, rather than graphic, because engaging your readers mind makes it sexier.

Implied action:

• I want to wear you like a tight fitting coat.
  
• I want to wrap you around me.
• I hope you have been stretching lately, b/c I just learned something new on the Internet.

Explicit action:

• I want to hump you into a puddle.
• I’m going to plow you like a new england field.
• Go buy a beach towel. Tonight you are going to get messy.

Additional Resources

See What Other People Sext

For another perspective you can watch James Lipton’s advice on sexting:

And if you just can’t do it on you own I will write one for you.

credit: publicenergy

When I was 19 I dropped out of college. It was a difficult decision at first. Most people that I talked to were against it– they thought I would never go back. Ultimately, I asked someone I didn’t know very well what I should do. She said it didn’t sound like I had much of a choice. That made me happy.

I didn’t really have much of a choice: I was clinically depressed after the death of my dad and I was in and out of the hospital with what turned out to be ludicrously misdiagnosed mononucleosis. In the end I had surgery to remove my tonsils and went to Costa Rica instead of college.

When I arrived I had the idea that I would go camping in a couple of places and go to a wildlife reserve where there were sea turtles. By the end of the week I had ditched most of my camping gear and was staying at a hotel in Boca del Torro Panama. I had a weird convergence of events I met someone who lived a few blocks from me in Portland, a woman who new one of my closest friends from college, and a guy that worked at the same gas station as me in Las Vegas.

I decided I would drop out of Costa Rica too.

So, I took a trip to David, a mountain that was supposed to have good hiking. In David I stayed at a hostel where I met a guy from Ireland and a guy from Ohio. They were planning to take a common hike from a little outside of town to another town where we could catcha a bus and be back by dinner. This seemed like a fun idea, the path seemed very clear on the map and there were other people who would be takling similar trails. But, as you can tell from the title of this story it did not work out nearly that well.

The first hour was really great we walk along the road toward a farm, the view was verdant and gray-blue. People smiled and waved, we ran into some other hikers that were taking a similar trail. After terning off to the farm the trail became more interesting– weaving through the jungle. Up and down past streams an back into the sun. Around the one-hour mark there was a steam that we decided to rest by. I took off my shoes and put my feet in the water.

The other people forged ahead leaving Ohio, Ireland and me behind. As we crested a hill the trail opened out into a field. Tall grass surrounded a medium sized shack. There was a clear opening in the trees. We continued ahead on to the obvious path thinking we would soon run into the others.

Three-and-a-half hours later we have seen no sign of other people. While we were talking we failed to notice we were doing more tree dodging than path walking and the path had gotten less “common” and more jungle floor. Maybe we should have figured we were in the wrong place when we started seeing cows. Seriously! Cows in the jungle. Something was wrong. Ireland pointed out that if we were to catch our intended bus we should have arrived 30 minutes earlier.

Clearly we had made a mistake. As we were discussing what to do I heard a loud crack of gun fire. Ireland and I looked at  each other. Ohio smiled, oblivious to what was going on.

“I think we should go back the way we came, clearly we are on someones,” I said hoping they would agree.

“I think that’s best,” thankfully Ireland agreed.

“Why not just keep going this way till we find the road,” Ohio did not share our pragmatic nature.

“Well, we are surrounded by cattle and someone just shot a rifle. So, either we are on someones land or someone is trigger happy either way I think we should head back the way we know.” My normal optimism was consumed by a base desire for survival. Ireland spent about 30 seconds explaining that, yes, in fact, the noise we heard was gun fire.

So, we set off for David– now over four hours into a three hour hike.We decided to eat lunch once we were a reasonable distance from the cattle and possible shooter. This rest was a great relief, both the food and sitting down. My respite was cut short. In mid-bite I felt an intense sensation, like having a match put out on my arm. A purple and blue hornet-y thing was jabbing its ass-parts into me with great, and repeated, resolve. Aching, burning and tired I set out again with Ireland and Ohio– we were still over three hours from home.

We did, eventually, make it back to the shack and field. As we approached the road we came in on one of them saw a small sign 6 by 12 inches in a bush pointing the direction we were supposed to go so many hours earlier.

As we finally flopped out on to the road we were able to catch a final group of workers leaving the farm and convince them to give us a ride in the back of their pick-up. Now almost 8 hours into a 3 hour hike we rested shortly as the truck bumped down the road. That night I found the only place in David that was still open and would make me a milkshake.

And that is the story of getting lost in the jungle.

• The Grass Is Greener
• Digital vs. Print
• Culture vs. Instinct
• Things Overheard
• Dehydrated Mouse
• Birth; Life; Death
• A Five Year Old Mind
• A Diary of Machine Gun Testicles
• And Exploration of Orange
• Fungus Multi-Media Explosion
• Square
• My Abduction Notebook
• Origins
• Everyday Heroes
• Pros/Cons of Power
• Inner Children
• Alternative Endings
• Opposable Thumbs
• Hats
• Anthropomorphic Food

• Non-Existent Museums
• My Left-Breast
• Cock Fights
• Jesus Saves
• Unrequited Love
• Bi-Polarity
• Dim Lights
• GG Allin
• Mundanity
• Stalking
• Mad Max
• Fear of a Clown/Fish
• Archetypes
• A Curious Case of  Narcissism
• Baths and Wombs
• A Room Full of Blanks
• The Black Plague
• Flags
• Infrastructure
• Accessories

Wow! Great ideas.

I have decided on

1. The Grass is Greener,
2. Archetypes
3. And Exploration of Orange
4. Dehydrated Mouse
5. Non-Existent Museums

Look back in the near future to see what these themes turn into.

Today I bought 5 Moleskine note books. I am going to fill them with writing, drawing and pictures. I need a theme though. That’s where you come in. I am going to take your suggestions for themes. My five favorite themes from your suggestions will be commemorated in art book form and displayed on this site with YOU referenced as my muse. So, give me your thoughts. What, or who, do you think deserves to be an objet d’art?

photo credit: ♥ellie♥

dear carlos,
where are the promised questions about, or by, strippers?
eagerly,
-chris

Ah yes May 8th, 2008 I alluded to the possibility of stripper related questions. Well, unfortunately, I was sidetracked in the following days by a wedding. So I guess I come back around now to address the issue.

Questions I have been asked by strippers:

How did you know I was on the cover of a tattoo magazine in June of 2003? [This happened in 2006]

“I read that tattoo magazine in a piercing parlor in Ohio.”

Is that a bong?

No, it’s a vase. You can tell because it doesn’t have a place to put pot.

Where did you get your glasses?

Hawthorne

Did you know that your glasses glow in the dark?

I noticed, but it only really happens in black light. You should get a pair they would go well with your top while you are wearing it.

Would you like a dance?

No, I am afraid that if I had a dance named after me people would think I’m a dork.

Would you like to buy me a drink?

No, but if you get someone else to I would like to watch you drink it. [thankfully she found that funny]

I have also answered: I would like to. But I can’t — for religious reasons. [that didn't work well]

Can I get a ride home?

Sure, just don’t tell my boss. He told me not to hangout with you socially. [So, to be honest that did not happen at a club it happened an apartment complex where we were both working doing apartment turn overs. My boss, who's name I forget, told me to watch out for this particular woman. To this day I am amused that she was a janitor by day and stripper by night.]

Things I have asked strippers:

Were you on the cover of a tattoo magazine in June of 2003?

See above.

So what is your day job?

• I am in pharmacy school.
• I am in art school.
• I am starting a non-profit to help convicts get jobs. [Really holy crap!]
• I work out a lot. [ha ha! You don't say]

Where do people meet a girl like you in real-life?

Stripper: I’m not that interesting in real life, this is mostly makeup.

Me: Ha ha! I meant a girl who likes Ween and the Pixies, your song choices were great. Also I bet you are pretty attractive, even without makeup.

Stripper: Oh! Thanks, I am in art school and eat pizza. So someplace that sells pizza is your best bet.

Me: Okay.

Why does it cost $20 for me to buy you an $8 drink?

Stripper: Inflation

Me: How about I just give you $12 to inflate me.

Stripper: Ha ha, how about you give me $12 to hang out.

Questions I have asked/heard about strippers:

Can you please tell me why that woman has an ass-ring?

Name Redacted: Apparently she needs a gimmick.

Why is she wearing a rubber mask?

I think it is a joke. [shortly afterwards my friend has a glass of water thrown at him]

How exactly do you end up dancing at a place called the “Dancing Bare”?

I think you have to be rejected by a lot of other places.

And finally the funniest thing I can remember hearing in a strip club:

Is the beef free-range.

photo credit: abardwell

Dear Women Who Live in Wyoming,

I would like to sincerely apologize for implying, on several occasions, that you are sheep. It has recently come to my attention that there are also several other variety of farm animals, and human females as well in Wyoming. Please accept my heartfelt regrets that I have been spreading humorous rumors about the definition of marriage and/or the family structure of Wyoming residents. Finally I would like to say, now that I look closer at the map, I will stop calling Wyoming everything that wasn’t good enough to be Montana.

Sincerely,

Carlos del Rio