I Do Things

If you could make out with anyone living or dead who would it be?

One of those ethereal questions that comes up at parties.

I feel like the question is a trap. If I answer with someone who is dead I feel like I am subject to ridicule so I always want think of someone alive, but I also don’t want to use someone clichéd. So, after brief thought I choose:

Kellie Everts Miss Nude Universe, 1968

She is still very much alive — and prety attractive for being in her sixties. Though if I had my way I would prefer her circa 1975.

I know you probably think it is strange that I would choose someone that is so obscure. But, there is a reason. I choose Kellie because I want to show up my father by  doing something he failed at, namely, making out with Miss Nude Universe 1968. During my teen years Dad told me a story about his attempt to fool around with Miss Nude Universe that was going well until the conversation veered toward a discussion of priesthood. Apparently this was a topic that interested her more than my my dad interested her, and so my dad failed. This taught me an important lesson: Don’t talk Pope if you want to grope.

I endeavor to boldly go where my father could not; which is why I grew a beard and why I want to visit Europe. So, Kellie Everts is my choice.

I noticed that you had a picture of Melissa Gira Grant a while back. Did she ever take you up on your offer?

- Mike

No, I have not been contacted by any Gawker writers about that. Of course, I didn’t really sell it very well. I should have at least given them the choice of which order the drinking and groping occurs. If you can think of a way that I can make it more appealing let me know. Maybe I should open the invitation to anyone that has more than 1,000 unique visitors to their blog a day. That makes the potential candidates much wider, maybe too wide.